Why I’m Frustrated with My Spanx

Updated: Aug. 20, 2015

Originally Published: May 11, 2015

Dear Spanx,

We had a deal, and you’re not holding up your end of the bargain. You’re supposed to be my trusty sidekick for smoothing, shaping, and supporting. Sure, I’ve gained a few pounds, but come on! You’ve got built-in stretch. A couple of extra slices of pizza and chocolate shouldn’t throw you for a loop. Isn’t that what you’re designed for? I bought you in my size back when I was feeling confident, but now I find myself just a smidge over the line. It’s not like I’ve packed on 50 pounds—just a little 10 (okay, fine, let’s call it the freshman 15) shouldn’t be the end of the world, but somehow it feels like it is.

1. The Dress Disaster

Remember that time I wore you for my daughter’s big day? I had that stunning dress but had also gained a few (okay, a lot, thanks to that vacation) pounds. So, I opted for the all-in-one dress from your less expensive line, Assets. $80 for something no one sees? No thanks! But then I saw the photos. Seriously, you did nothing to hold it all in. I looked like I was five months pregnant!

2. The Church Incident

Oh, and how could I forget that lovely moment in church? You rolled up like a window shade! Picture this: me sitting in the pew, and suddenly you decide to give up and start rolling up my legs. There I was, trying to discreetly pull you down under my dress in church. I’m pretty sure everyone thought I was doing something scandalous rather than just adjusting my shapewear. Thanks for that; it added a new twist to the Alleluia.

3. The Jumpsuit Struggle

Then there was the time I wore that black jumpsuit to my kids’ fundraiser. I looked fabulous, but of course, you had other plans. I found myself trapped in the bottom shapewear while in a bathroom stall. After wrestling with the jumpsuit and finally getting the top down, I was still stuck trying to wrangle the bottom piece. It was pulled up to my chest, and getting it back down was a struggle I wasn’t prepared for. And to top it off, someone in the adjacent stall was having a meltdown, making my escape even more urgent. Fun times, right?

4. The Closet Crisis

And let’s not forget the day I got stuck in my shapewear tank top after a long day. I was in my closet struggling with the top that was hugging my curves a bit too tightly. Panic set in, and I seriously considered scissors. Eventually, I got it off, but not before truly understanding what claustrophobia feels like.

5. The Final Straw

The final straw came the other night when I had to ask my husband to rescue me from my Spanx ¾ sleeve top. I was seriously trapped and starting to freak out. Talk about ruining the illusion of sexiness I’ve worked so hard to maintain for the past 14 years! I mean, he was already skeptical, but that just sealed the deal.

So, thanks, Spanx/Assets/Yummy Tummie or whatever name you go by. You’ve given me embarrassment, panic, and bathroom drama I won’t soon forget. If I could just lose 20 pounds, I’d kick you to the curb in a heartbeat.

P.S. I know going up a size would fix this, but I’m not investing more in you. I’m only going to be this size for a little while.

Thanks for not doing your job!

Love, Jenna

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Summary

In this humorous rant, Jenna expresses her frustrations with Spanx and the unrealistic expectations it sets, highlighting embarrassing moments, struggles with shapewear, and the challenges of body image. The piece wraps up with a light-hearted tone, acknowledging the ups and downs of motherhood and self-image.