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I Should Have Realized I Deserved So Much More
You know, looking back, I should have picked up on the signs when Jake would belt out Shaggy’s “It Wasn’t Me” whenever it played on the radio, as if the lyrics were his personal anthem. But I didn’t catch on.
I should have noticed how he’d come home late, leave early, and sometimes carry the scent of someone else’s perfume. Of course, he always had an excuse ready. According to him, I was just being paranoid. He had a knack for making me question my own sanity.
Then there was the fact that he had cheated on me when we were younger. I was too naive to think it wouldn’t happen again. I genuinely believed he had changed. I wanted to hold onto that hope because facing the truth felt far too painful.
I should have realized it when his interest in me began to fade. Our intimate moments went from three times a week to just a couple of times a month—barely enough to keep me satisfied. He stopped complimenting me, and I often wondered if he had ever even started. I was busy juggling the kids and life, so I didn’t pay much attention. I kept telling myself it was just a rough patch, a series of unfortunate events until I eventually stopped noticing altogether.
It hit me hard when I’d catch him scrolling through adult content while he barely touched me. My heart was breaking, yet I stayed. After all, I thought I wasn’t pretty enough to deserve more. That’s what I believed deep down.
I should have known better when he would rush to shower as soon as he got home. But I kept believing the excuses he fed me.
The wake-up call came when I sat in my gynecologist’s office, answering questions about potential infidelities after experiencing more infections than I could count. I called him and once again got the same story. He was the only man I had ever been with. But I loved him. We had kids, a home, friends, even a church community. I thought we were building a life together, but I was merely ignoring the obvious.
It took me over eight years of marriage to finally see the truth about who he was, and two more years to rediscover myself. I vividly remember the moment I looked in the mirror and realized, “I’m not ugly.” I felt ashamed that I had allowed someone so indifferent to convince me otherwise. I deserved love, respect, and a partner who would remain faithful. I deserved to feel beautiful in my own skin. I should have understood that… but I didn’t. Now I do.
If you’re in a situation like mine, please remember that you are worth so much more. You might think leaving will shatter your world, but I promise it won’t. I’ve been there, and I can say that stepping away from such a toxic environment lifts a huge weight off your shoulders.
If you want to read more about personal experiences and insights, check out this blog post. Also, for anyone navigating the journey of home insemination, this resource is a great option. And for support, this site offers excellent information about pregnancy and home insemination.
In summary, it’s vital to recognize your self-worth and not settle for less than you deserve.