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Why I’d Trade My Dream Career for a Baby
I recently visited a friend in Houston and attended a birthday bash for her kids’ classmates—two little sisters aged 3 and 5. Walking into a church that resembled a mini amusement park, complete with a basketball court, bowling alley, and play structures, was a revelation. It made my suburban New Jersey upbringing feel a bit dull in comparison. As I munched on chicken nuggets and watched the kids chase each other with sugar-fueled excitement, I felt a sense of joy—until a trip to the bathroom changed everything.
There, I discovered that my period had arrived two days early. Surrounded by energetic children, I felt an overwhelming wave of sadness wash over me. Just a month ago, my cycle had been late, making me wonder if, at 39, my dream of motherhood was finally within reach. Alas, it wasn’t meant to be. I had packed pads for the trip, but of course, I hadn’t brought any that day since my cycle usually followed a predictable schedule. Now, though, I found it hard to enjoy the playful chaos around me.
I’ve always bristled at the phrase “having it all,” yet, in that moment, I felt a deep sense of emptiness about having only a part of it. I’m in a loving, committed relationship with a partner who supports me in ways I never thought possible. I’ve edited over 50 anthologies in erotica, written two sex columns, and even had a piece published in The New York Times—something I dreamed of since I was a teenager. I’ve even taught a popular online writing course that exceeded my expectations. When friends ask me about my dream career, I proudly say it’s the one I have now. But still, I can’t shake the feeling that something is missing.
When I first started yearning to be a mom at 30, I thought I had time. I was deeply immersed in my work and living life to the fullest. Fast forward to now, and I’m acutely aware of my ticking biological clock. With my 40th birthday looming, I can’t help but feel behind. My gynecologist has encouraged me to have kids before 40, and while I’ve missed that mark, what troubles me most is watching friends become parents while I’m still waiting for my turn.
While my career is finally flourishing, it’s hard not to focus on what I lack. I don’t have a child to play board games with or to spoil with birthday parties. I share my life with a wonderful boyfriend who surprises me with his kindness every day. Still, I often wake up feeling like something vital is missing. I see kids out and about, and it pulls at my heartstrings.
Every day is a balancing act as I navigate decisions that might impact potential future children. Should I indulge in that glass of champagne, or stick with seltzer? Is a pricey bra worth it? Do I save for the future or treat myself to a trip? I know that parenting is complicated, and every mom I know has made their share of imperfect choices. I hope to join their ranks soon, but until then, my otherwise fulfilling life feels incomplete.
If you’re navigating similar feelings, check out resources like Healthline for more on pregnancy, or Make a Mom for tips on boosting fertility. You can also explore Intracervical Insemination for more insights into home insemination options.
In summary, while I cherish my career and my loving relationship, the longing for motherhood casts a shadow over my achievements. As I work through these feelings, I look forward to the day when I can embrace the full picture of life I’ve always dreamed of.