Your cart is currently empty!
Reflections on Marriage and Divorce
After putting the kids to bed, I found myself standing at the entrance of our family room, my heart racing. I turned to my husband, Jake, and asked, “Do you have a moment?” I didn’t wait for his reply; I was too wrapped up in my thoughts. Our friends had recently gone through a divorce after 14 years, and it got me reflecting on my own marriage.
I started by giving us a grade—a solid B, maybe even a B+ if I was feeling generous. We were great friends, had three amazing kids, and fought about nothing major. But I felt we could be an A if we made a few small changes.
“I’m feeling overwhelmed managing our finances alone, and I worry about what might happen to me. I really need your help with that. Also, how about we do something together? Just the two of us—maybe dance lessons or volunteering? I’m open to anything.”
Jake didn’t look up from his tablet, but I could tell he was listening. After a long silence, I asked, “What do you think?”
He finally looked up and said, “No.” I laughed, hoping he was joking. “No? About what?”
“All of it. I’m tired of trying to change to make you happy. You knew who I was when we got married. I’m not changing now.”
His words hit me like a ton of bricks. This wasn’t the first time we’d had this conversation—me wanting growth and him resisting it. Usually, I could talk him around, but this time, his refusal to work on our relationship struck a deeper chord.
I spent the next week in counseling, explaining my situation to my therapist. I thought I could help Jake see things my way, but she gently reminded me that he had to want to be involved. “He’s either in this with you, or he’s not. Until then, let’s focus on what you can control.”
As time passed, Jake remained firm in his stance. He didn’t want to change, and I realized I couldn’t force him to. With my therapist’s guidance, I began to understand that he was his own person with his own choices. I faced a tough decision: stay in a stagnant relationship or move on. I chose the latter.
The days after were incredibly hard—grocery store panic attacks and the heart-wrenching process of telling our kids about the divorce. But the reality was clear: we simply wanted different things and couldn’t make it work together.
Now, looking back, I see how naive I was to think I could grade our relationship like it was a school project. I had become more of a manager than a partner, and Jake’s refusal to change masked deeper issues we’d built over the years. Our marriage wasn’t healthy or collaborative.
With time and distance, I see that we’re actually better parents apart. The resentment and dysfunction that once clouded our communication are gone. Our kids sometimes wonder why we divorced, seeing us interact easily now, discussing everything from movies to new local restaurants.
My daughter, Mia, often asks because she doesn’t remember much from the time we were together. I tell her the truth: her dad and I are good friends, but we weren’t good partners. The divorce was painful, but it allowed us to set boundaries and focus on our individual relationships with the kids. It freed us from the cycle of conflict we were stuck in. Years later, we’ve rekindled friendship without the burden of what wasn’t working.
If you’re navigating a similar situation or looking for more insights, check out this post for helpful resources on home insemination and more.
Conclusion
In summary, sometimes, it takes listening to the truth in your relationship to realize it’s time for a change. Whether that means seeking help, communicating openly, or ultimately deciding to part ways, it’s essential to prioritize your well-being and that of your family.