When You Marry ‘The One,’ You Also Marry Their Family

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I wasn’t sure what to expect when I became Jessica Smith, but I thought it meant I’d be merging my life with Mark’s. Little did I know, it also meant my beliefs, customs, and even my perspective would be put to the test. Why? Because I wasn’t just marrying Mark; I was stepping into his family, too.

Joining a Family

Joining a family is a lot like traveling: you find certain traditions that resonate with you, altering how you see the world, and you’ll have moments you cherish and revisit. You learn to be flexible, accepting that some aspects are beyond your control. Yet, there will be times when you long for the comfort of what you know, wishing for a blend of your past with your partner’s present. You might catch yourself thinking, “I just want it to be like it used to be, but with you by my side.”

The Wedding Dilemma

These were not the thoughts I had when we first got engaged. The first sign of change came when Mark’s family pushed back against my idea of an outdoor wedding. Even without Pinterest, my dream wedding was clear—a charming barn setting with hay bales, twinkling lights, and wildflowers.

“I’d love to have a rustic outdoor ceremony,” I said excitedly.

Mark’s mom, a petite woman with a passion for floral arrangements and traditions, asked, “Wouldn’t you prefer a church wedding?”

I shook my head. “No, I really want it outside. I don’t attend church, so it feels odd to be inside one.”

She fell silent, not realizing that “Don’t you want to…” often means “I’d really prefer it if you….” I’ve never been one to compromise my likes for someone else’s happiness. You’d think that would be acceptable, but marriage doesn’t always work like that.

Parenting Perspectives

Once we were married and had kids, I made sure our daughters knew the proper names for their body parts. I didn’t want any euphemisms for vaginas. One day, my daughter Mia told Mark’s dad, a gentle giant who works in ultrasound tech, about a trip to the water park.

“We were on the slides, and it was super fun! Isn’t it weird how your pee feels warm after swimming? Also, my vagina hurt for a few days after,” she chirped before running off.

Mark’s dad turned to me, incredulity on his face. “Vagina? That’s what she calls it?”

I was taken aback. “Yes, that’s what it’s called!”

“Isn’t she a bit young for that?” he replied.

“How can you be too young to know your own body?” I shot back, feeling defensive.

He shrugged, signaling that we could make our own choices, but it wasn’t what he would choose. I spent days pondering how often our decisions would be questioned. A lot, it turned out—from choices about medical procedures to parenting styles.

Family Dynamics

I grew up in a family that thrived on spirited debates and independence, while Mark’s family preferred to keep things low-key, even when conflicts arose. That’s likely why we never had big holiday gatherings. It was usually just the four of us, occasionally joined by my grandparents. We didn’t do family newsletters or photo updates. In pop culture terms, Mark’s family was Hallmark; mine was more Netflix.

Holidays like Thanksgiving were a big deal for Mark’s mom, just like Easter and Christmas. Each holiday sparked lengthy discussions about food and timing. Over the years, Mark’s mom has learned to adapt, but there’s still a feeling that we’re somehow falling short.

One holiday, she suggested we arrive for dinner at 1 p.m. “That’s right when the girls nap,” I told Mark. He agreed. We were consumed with our new parenting responsibilities, while she clung firmly to tradition.

It felt like a game of battleship between matriarchs—one ship sunk by naptime, another by tradition. No matter when we arrived, it always felt like we were too late or that the dishes we brought were unnecessary.

I couldn’t help but feel frustrated when she asked, “Would you like more?”

“No, thank you,” I’d reply.

“Are you sure you don’t want another roll or some mashed potatoes?”

I’d shake my head, wishing I could enjoy a small portion of everything without feeling pressured. But that’s marriage, I guess.

Embracing the Chaos

I wish someone had warned me about the complexities of family dynamics. It’s not necessarily our fault, but it becomes our responsibility. We marry into the holidays, the crazy relatives, and the unspoken rules. We have to adapt our past with our present, learning to navigate a new way of life.

Ultimately, happily ever after is about finding comfort in the chaos and leaning into the person you chose to marry, embracing both the challenges and joys of it all.

If you’re interested in more about family dynamics and relationships, check out our other blog posts like this one.

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Summary

Marrying ‘The One’ is more than just uniting two people; it’s about intertwining families, traditions, and perspectives. This journey can bring joy but also challenges, as you navigate differing customs and expectations. Ultimately, it’s about finding your place within a new family dynamic while holding on to your own identity.