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Trusting My Kids Means Trusting Myself
This past summer, as my daughter Mia turned 10, my parents spent a lot of time with our kids, and it opened a new door in our relationship. My dad, especially, began sharing his thoughts about Mia and her brother Jake more than ever. One evening after dinner, he expressed a concern about Mia, suggesting that our close bond might be too much. He warned me about the risks of being overly intertwined.
I frowned, recognizing that his concern was one of my own. Yet I reminded him how adventurous Mia had been, heading off to sleepaway camp before any of her friends, without a safety net. My dad leaned back, fingers steepled under his chin, and admitted, “I guess you’re right.” His acknowledgment of Mia’s independence highlighted not only our similarities but also his deep understanding of both my joys and worries. It also reminded me of a lesson I learned from my own childhood, one that shapes my views on parenting today.
Back in fourth grade, we were gearing up for ice skating in gym class, and a note from a parent was required to skate without a helmet. I was mortified at the thought of wearing one, so I pestered my mom until she told me to ask my dad. I found him reading a history book in German, and he agreed to help. What he wrote, though, was far from ordinary: “Recognizing that risk is an inherent and important part of life, we gladly permit Mia to skate without a helmet.” I was horrified, begging him to write something more standard, but he just chuckled at my embarrassment.
Looking back, I realize my dad was poking fun at what he saw as a ridiculous rule. This small moment illustrates how much my parents valued independence, encouraging me to boldly face a world full of both risks and adventures. I’ve completely embraced this value, taking pride in my kids when they show self-reliance and bravery. Yet I sometimes worry: Am I pushing them too far too soon? Am I emphasizing independence to the point where they doubt our connection? This balancing act between closeness and separation is a daily part of parenting.
I also believe that autonomy is tied to how we perceive the world. I want my children to understand that while they are my top priority, they’re not the center of the universe. By nudging them out of their comfort zones, I help them grow and show them a world where they can thrive—even if it sometimes means turning in an embarrassing note to their teacher and skating off helmet-less.
When I start to fret about fraying the bond with my kids or feel judged by outside opinions, I remind myself that teaching independence means trusting them to navigate their own lives. It’s taken me some time to realize that I do trust myself as a parent, and my actions with my kids reflect that belief.
In essence, trusting our kids as independent individuals compels us to trust ourselves. We have to believe they’ll make responsible choices and that we’ve instilled the right values in them. Through this journey, I’ve learned that trusting myself is key to fostering their independence, allowing them to discover their own strengths and agency.
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In summary, trusting my children requires a strong foundation of self-trust as a parent. It’s all about balancing independence with closeness, allowing them to grow while maintaining our bond.