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What Family Means: A Personal Journey
I could feel the doubt in her eyes the moment I spoke. I wasn’t really family, and the one person who should’ve been there for her had turned away—without a second thought.
When I was asked, six months after my not-quite-sister-in-law’s cancer diagnosis, to take on the role of her primary driver, I did it with a heavy heart. Like many, I felt lost when it came to supporting someone with cancer. I had no idea how to respond or what to do in case of an emergency. I was just the girlfriend—a label that felt inadequate and limiting. Plus, I was significantly younger and trying to navigate the confusing world of writing (a career that left others perplexed whenever I tried to explain it). Still, she needed help, and I selfishly questioned why it had to be me.
But I realized there wasn’t anyone else who could carve out three hours in the middle of the day for her oncology appointments. Her brother, the man I loved deeply, needed me, and so did she. So off I went.
At first, our conversations were awkward. As an introvert, small talk isn’t my strong suit. Asking a stage IV cancer patient how she was doing felt so hollow. What could she say? “Besides the pain, the chemo, the fatigue, and uncertainty about my future, I’m fantastic!” No, I wasn’t going to ask her empty questions.
So, I did what I know best in uncertain times: I listened. I let silence linger, knowing that some people fill it just to avoid discomfort.
Every week, I picked her up for the 30-minute drive to her appointments. Slowly, those awkward silences transformed into meaningful conversations. We discovered we shared more in common than either of us expected—both single moms with kids spaced more than four years apart. She’d been a single mom for longer, while my experience was more recent, thanks to her brother’s support.
We bonded over discussions about our quiet kids, their tendency to ignore us, and how much time they spent playing Minecraft instead of being outside. We shared tips on coupons and budget-friendly ideas, talked about cooking for picky eaters, and even complained about reckless drivers we encountered on our drives.
Weeks passed before she opened up about the elephant in the room: her mother’s abandonment. When her mom left, she was left to face cancer and life as a single mom without a car. I tried to justify her mother’s actions to myself and her brother: she must have been scared and in denial, grappling with her child’s mortality. But as time went on, it became clear that her mother’s actions stemmed from selfishness. This daughter, with frequent oncology appointments and battling through the struggles that cancer brings, had become a burden to her mother. And here I was—just a girlfriend—stepping in to help pick up the pieces.
As our routine continued, my role shifted from reluctant helper to someone who genuinely cared. I became the one who noticed the small changes in her health and could relay updates to her brother, who was increasingly overwhelmed by the stress of it all.
Every time she expressed her gratitude, I simply replied, “This is what family does.” He’s my family, so naturally, she is too. After spending countless hours with her, hearing her hopes and fears, she became family not just by connection, but by the person she is. It felt unfathomable not to help her.
I knew she might not understand why I cared. If her own mother wouldn’t step up, why would a younger woman with no solid familial bond do so? I didn’t share my own experiences with loss, nor did I mention my father’s last moments, or how cancer had taken my grandparents from me too soon. I knew what it meant to have a shrinking family and to cherish those who matter most.
So when she cried out in confusion, “Why did my mom walk away?” I reassured her that we’d always be there for her, and when I included myself in that promise, I meant it wholeheartedly.
This journey of supporting her has shown me that family isn’t just about blood ties; it’s about being there when it matters the most.
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Summary:
In this heartfelt reflection, Jenna shares her experience of stepping into the role of a caregiver for her sister-in-law during her battle with cancer. Initially reluctant, Jenna finds herself forming a deep bond with her sister-in-law as they navigate the challenges of family, support, and the complexities of illness. Their conversations evolve from awkward small talk to meaningful discussions, solidifying their connection and redefining what family truly means.