“I’d choose my sister over a vacation any day.”
That’s what my friend Sarah said when I sought her advice about whether to have a third child. I appreciated her perspective, but it was tough to wrap my head around. “It’s more complicated than that,” I argued.
My husband and I were deep in discussions about growing our family. Our first two boys came into the world pretty close together—definitely not what we had planned. Now, at 32, I was feeling overwhelmed with two toddlers and still had that itch for another child. It felt like something was missing from our family dynamic.
We spent countless evenings crunching the numbers. Could we afford private school? What about braces for three kids? It’s no secret that family life can get tricky with more than two kids—think two hotel rooms when traveling or larger tables at restaurants. And then there’s the looming question of college expenses.
But beyond the practical concerns of space and money, I had deeper anxieties. I wondered if having a third would mean robbing my first two boys of luxuries we could afford to give them—like family vacations or private lessons.
We were fortunate to have decent incomes that could provide a comfortable life for two kids—annual trips, extracurricular activities, and all those little extras that make life sweet. But with three? That dream of exploring Europe together seemed out of reach. So, I turned to Sarah, the eldest of three, for her thoughts. That’s when she dropped her insightful line about preferring her brother over a European getaway.
Her words lingered in my mind, yet I continued to hesitate. Would it be selfish to prioritize another child over the experiences I could give my first two? Would they miss out on opportunities that only children might enjoy?
I reached out to another friend, Lisa, whose kids were older than mine. She shared a viewpoint that totally shifted my thinking: “I used to stress about that stuff too,” she said. “But then I realized it’s not our job to give them every experience. Let them achieve some things on their own.”
I had to reread her message a few times. It felt liberating to consider that I didn’t have to provide my kids with every single opportunity. Many in my generation seem to adopt a “Giving Tree” style of parenting—over-the-top birthday parties, personalized everything, and a hefty investment in kids’ sports even before they hit double digits. I felt like I had to take my kids to all the amazing places just to fulfill some unwritten parenting contract.
Ultimately, we decided to go for that third child. And then, in a wild twist, we opted for a fourth! Since we already needed two hotel rooms, and we had a minivan, why not? Our vacations tend to lean more towards road trips and budget hotels rather than fancy destinations. Sure, my kids don’t get a ton of private lessons and attend public schools, but we manage to give them what they truly need. I still dream of taking them to Europe, but maybe one or two kids at a time instead of all four.
Now, I see our family through a different lens. I envision holidays filled with laughter, kitchen chaos during family meals, and shared memories from epic road trips. I hope they grow up with plenty of cousins to bond with and become each other’s support systems. If we can’t give them everything, I trust they’ll find their own way to experience the world, like visiting those Roman ruins on their own someday.
We might not provide every experience, but that’s perfectly fine. We cherish what we can offer, and it’s more than enough. I believe that one day, they’ll say they’d choose their little sister over any trip to Europe. That adventure can wait for now, and maybe they’ll even take me along when they do go.
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In summary, choosing between luxuries and expanding your family is a complex decision filled with emotional and practical implications. It’s important to remember that every family’s journey is unique, and what matters most is the love and support you provide.