Advice for the Son I Might Never Have

home insemination Kit

Hey there, little buddy.

So, the other day, I whipped up some thoughts for your future sister—just a little collection of wisdom I gathered over the years. After sharing that, a bunch of people asked me when I was going to jot down some advice for you, my hypothetical son! At first, I chuckled because honestly, I’ve never really thought about having a son. But if that day ever comes, we’ll both need a little guidance, right? So, here’s my first attempt at helping you navigate through this wild ride called life!

Love me, please! I promise I’m doing my best, even if it doesn’t always seem like it.

Sorry, I never got you a dog. The closest we’ve come to sports is me striking out at tee-ball. Maybe think about picking up a musical instrument instead? Drummers tend to get attention from the ladies, plus they get to sit down while they work—perfect for our family!

I’m hoping you’ll inherit some serious math skills. Let’s just pray they skip a generation. If not, there’s always an app for that, right?

I really do want to understand Star Wars, but let’s be real—I probably never will.

I can’t wait to take you to your first concert! It’ll be just like the ones I experienced with your grandparents and my sister while we sang along to Neil Diamond.

Remember, “emotion” has “motion” in it because feelings should be active and engaging. Don’t bottle them up. And hey, guys who can express their emotions? Super attractive. So go ahead and be hot, son!

Learn a little about clouds—stratus clouds are the flat ones, and cumulus clouds are the fluffy ones. Also, get comfortable with vaginas. Real talk: you probably won’t ever fully understand them, but it’s good to try!

I hope you’re open-minded about love. If you care about someone, shout it from the rooftops! Love is fleeting, so dive in when the moment is right.

Tattoos? I’m cool with them, but promise you’ll call me before you get one. Actually, let’s chat every day, okay? I’m excited about the idea of your tattoo!

Thanksgiving? We’ll be together every year, no exceptions.

Listen to Big Star, Velvet Underground, and early Bruce Springsteen. If you ever blame a woman’s mood on her period, I’ll make sure you experience similar discomfort every month.

Scars? They’re beautiful, even the ones from mole removal. Just remember to get your skin checked regularly.

There will be friends you don’t click with, and that’s normal—just listen to me and cut ties with them without hesitation.

If you’re unsure about something, toss it out. You’ll know what’s worth keeping.

Also, “The Apartment” is a classic movie. In this family, we don’t reply to phone calls with texts.

You might need some meds—I’m sorry! But hey, hopefully you’ll inherit my great hair and wicked sense of humor. Oh, and my humility too!

Respect Beyoncé. She’s as much your mother as I am. And learn how to dance—don’t just take lessons, find your rhythm and get comfortable with it.

It’s totally okay to hold a door open for someone. It’s a nice gesture! Walk on the side closer to the street when you’re with a girl, and always offer your seat to those in need.

Manners never go out of style. You’ll remember what “vacillate” means if you picture yourself in front of a row of Vaseline, trying to decide which one to buy.

If something is worth fighting for, go for it. Find comfort in silence and appreciate the quiet moments.

Master one amazing dish that doesn’t involve a grill or a Hot Pocket. And embrace whiskey—life is too short not to enjoy it!

Let fear drive you but see pain as a challenge. Read “The Things They Carried” and, if you’re up for it, try having sex in a foreign language.

Go to camp, college, and therapy. You can be honest while still being kind. Learn how to forgive—it’ll help you get through tough moments.

Use protection, keep your tub clean, and when you love someone, make sure you know their middle name, birthday, and how they write.

Celebrate your friends and let them celebrate you. Find out who makes you laugh the most and hold onto them tightly.

I’m not the best at relationship advice—maybe that’s why I’m sitting in a Starbucks, thinking about you, while single. But remember: no one will know your thoughts unless you share them.

I’m thinking of you, kiddo. And I love you. I’m so glad you might one day be mine.

For more information on home insemination, check out this great resource on pregnancy and home insemination. And if you’re interested in tools for artificial insemination, you might want to look into this combo kit as well.

Summary

This letter offers heartfelt and humorous advice for a future son, touching on emotions, relationships, and life skills while expressing love and excitement about the possibility of becoming a parent.