How to Embrace Your Inner Helicopter Parent in 10 Simple Steps

Want to ensure your little ones stay close to home and lean on you for everything? I’ve crafted a hilarious list of ten foolproof steps to turn you into the ultimate helicopter parent, ensuring your kids will never learn to fly on their own!

Step 1:

Never let your kids do anything solo. Seriously, why would you let them practice tying their own shoelaces? It’s so much easier to jump in and do it for them!

Step 2:

Insert yourself into every aspect of their lives, no exceptions. If they have a disagreement with a friend, step in to mediate. And if they don’t get the grades they want in college? A quick phone call to the professor should do the trick—what’s a little overstepping between friends, right?

Step 3:

Give in to their every whim. Why should they learn about limits when they can have everything they desire? Remember the lesson from that spoiled character, Veruca Salt?

Step 4:

Shield them from all failure. After all, what could they possibly learn from not doing their chores or failing a test? Just take over those tasks; it’s way easier.

Step 5:

Embrace a slight touch of denial. It really helps when you’re still handling basic tasks for your ten-year-old.

Step 6:

Criticize other parents who encourage independence. Your child is special and deserves to stay a kid forever—after all, you need to feel needed!

Step 7:

Surround yourself with a crew of fellow helicopter moms. They’ll back you up when the world tries to push your child toward adulthood.

Step 8:

Experience overwhelming guilt if your child’s life isn’t a perfect fairy tale. That little angel of yours should never face any real-world challenges!

Step 9:

Keep the interaction flowing. Your kid should always have something to stimulate their minds—flashcards, games, you name it!

Step 10:

Start saving now! Because when your child, at age 35, decides they need help navigating adulthood, you’ll want to have some cash stashed away for that “Failure To Launch” camp. Yep, it’s a real thing.

And there you have it! Follow these steps, and you’ll have a child who will always keep you on speed dial, even when they’re in their forties! If you want to dive deeper into parenting tips, check out our other blog posts like this one about home insemination.

For more resources on pregnancy and related topics, the CDC has a wealth of information available. Don’t forget to visit Make A Mom for expert insights too!

In summary, these tongue-in-cheek steps outline how to become a helicopter parent, ensuring your kids remain dependent on you indefinitely.