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Updated: April 5, 2021
Originally Published: April 2, 2021
Growing up, my mother never physically harmed me. Though my father frequently used his leather belt on me, I never viewed him as an abuser. He was simply a product of his time, a father from the ’80s who dealt with anger and frustration in ways that seemed normal then. However, everything changed when I began therapy in the summer of 2020, shortly after losing my mother. Traumatic memories flooded back, paralyzing me with nightmares and flashbacks, and I finally recognized the reality of my situation: I had endured mental, physical, and emotional abuse from both my parents. My childhood was riddled with manipulation, exploitation, and neglect.
I always sensed something was off about my upbringing. Sure, parts of it felt typical. Born in Florida in 1984, I was part of what seemed like a “good” family—complete with a mother, father, brother, and even a dog. We lived in a gated community, enjoying a seemingly idyllic middle-class life. But between my fifth and sixth birthdays, something shifted. I can’t pinpoint whether it was physical, sexual, or emotional; all I know is that one day I was a joyful, carefree child, and the next, my spirit was crushed.
For years, I was silenced by the abuse, from the age of six until I turned 36. My surroundings shaped me in ways that stifled my sense of worth.
You might wonder how I can be certain I was abused without recalling every detail—the who, what, when, where, or why. Trauma often works like that. This is the essence of PTSD, where the specifics become blurred. What remains are feelings and sensations tied to those memories—dark spots of repressed moments.
But I have more than vague recollections. While I can’t remember the initial incidents, I do recall significant portions of my childhood: the physical blows, the harsh names I was called, and the feeling of being regarded as a mistake. I remember being posed naked for photographs, both in the pool and in the tub, and being coerced into “stripping down.” And the belt—oh, that belt.
I am not alone in my experience. Statistics indicate that 1 in 7 children in the U.S. will face child abuse each year. Many people misconceive abuse as purely physical, thinking it involves broken bones and bruises. In reality, neglect is the most prevalent form of child abuse, followed by physical, sexual, and psychological abuse. Many, including myself, suffer from multiple forms of abuse. My father was physically abusive, while my mother engaged in manipulation and neglect, especially after my father’s death. By the age of 12, I was left to fend for myself amidst verbal and emotional attacks, which profoundly affected me.
Emotionally, my growth was stunted. I became overly needy and eager to please, forever seeking approval and love. Mentally, I remain ensnared by the voices that belittled me. Physically, I feel unsafe; while I crave connection, intimacy makes me flinch. I suffer from anxiety that manifests in tremors and a sense of unease.
However, there is hope. I am actively working with a psychologist and psychiatrist to reclaim my body and mind, rewriting my narrative. This week, I will collaborate with a trauma specialist utilizing EMDR therapy to address my past. Daily, I remind myself that I am enough, even on days when I struggle to believe it—because I know that, eventually, I will. As my psychologist tells me, my brain absorbs the affirmations I speak. Although this year has posed challenges—sometimes making me feel victimized anew—I refuse to see myself solely as a victim. Instead, I identify as a thriver, a survivor. My life may have been different, but it is a difference I am determined to overcome.
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Summary:
This article reflects on the journey from being a victim of childhood abuse to becoming a survivor. The author shares their experiences of mental, physical, and emotional abuse from both parents, highlighting the long-term effects such trauma can have on one’s life. Through therapy and determination, they are working towards healing and reclaiming their identity, emphasizing the importance of self-affirmation and resilience in the face of adversity.