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Advanced Adulting 101: Forming Adult Friendships
One of those not-so-obvious truths about adulting is that if you want to navigate life successfully, you better have a crew of friends already on your side. Once you graduate from school, the days of group projects and awkward lunch tables are behind you. There are no organized social events or mandatory mingling opportunities.
Sure, you’ll meet folks at work, and while some may become friends, most of them won’t transition into what I call “take-home friends.” These are the ones you invite into the deeper parts of your life, outside the office chatter about deadlines and evaluations. You might see these true friends on weekends, but once the job changes, so does your connection with those work buddies. They fade into the backdrop of your life, even if you spent more time with them than with family.
A few years back, I left my stable corporate gig (where I had a handful of good work friends and a couple of true pals) and relocated two hours away. It was a big leap, where I pretty much left everything behind to start fresh. Suddenly, I didn’t have a traditional workplace or built-in social networks. I enrolled in a low-residency MFA creative writing program, which meant my interaction was mostly online, except for two 10-day residencies each year. While I was making friends through school, most of them were miles away in California.
So, what does a single adult do when they find themselves far from their usual social circles? Without kids or a conventional job, I felt outside the typical friendship avenues. Writing is a solitary pursuit, and let’s be honest, chatting with my dog didn’t quite cut it. Most days, I wasn’t particularly lonely or unhappy; I had gotten pretty adept at maintaining long-distance friendships and an online community.
Then, something cool happened when I began volunteering as a guide at a local historic house museum. My training group was a mix of people from various backgrounds and life stages. There were parents, singles, and professionals ranging from real estate agents to antique book dealers. We spent hours together, learning, training, and sharing stories. The challenge of absorbing a mountain of information to impress and entertain visitors brought us closer together.
As we prepared for our auditions, we started an email thread to share tips and pictures. An unexpected bond formed. After our final training session, we gathered for dinner at the real estate agent’s home. On her deck, we swapped stories and laughed about everything except the training.
I expressed my surprise and joy at having made such good friends in such a short time. “I can be myself around you all,” I said, realizing that it was easier to connect because I hadn’t approached them with any ulterior motives. We were all equals, facing a common challenge without the pressure of competition that often exists in a workplace.
It dawned on me that work friendships often come with an underlying tension—everyone is vying for promotions, raises, and recognition. Even in seemingly collaborative environments, there’s a need to maintain a professional façade. This dynamic can also be true in settings like the PTA or among parents whose kids play on the same sports team. As adults, we often feel we must play a role.
For me, making new friends had always felt like a calculated risk, deciding which parts of myself to share. Yet, through this experience, I found I was more comfortable in my own skin. Maybe it’s wisdom that comes with age or confidence from my career shift, but I spent less time worrying about being liked. Less time! I still have my moments, of course.
That newfound confidence allowed me to be more open with my new friends, appreciating them for who they are. We began our journey as equals, not tied by previous connections or professional competition. We celebrated each other’s achievements without jealousy, which I hope signals the start of lasting friendships. No matter where this all goes, the honesty and openness we shared are a step toward advanced adulting.
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Summary:
Making friends as an adult can be a challenge, especially when you step away from traditional social structures. This article shares personal experiences of finding genuine connections outside of work, emphasizing the importance of honesty and openness in building lasting friendships.