Updated: Aug. 3, 2023
Originally Published: Aug. 20, 2021
So, here we are. The inevitable moment has arrived. Late last night, our child walked in on us… you know, getting a little too cozy. We’re still not sure how long she stood there in the dark before she piped up, “I can’t sleep…”
Time froze. After an agonizing few seconds, she added, “And yes, I can see you.” Well, great.
We quickly disentangled ourselves and threw on some covers as our daughter climbed into bed with us. Within minutes, she was snoring peacefully, while we lay wide awake, staring at the ceiling, cringing—and I mean cringing—for the next six hours.
Bright and early, we decided it was time to tackle the situation head-on. We sat down with her on the couch, smiles plastered on our faces, holding hands like we were on a romantic date while she flipped through cartoons.
“Good morning, sweet pea. We wanted to have a little chat about, um, last night,” I started, stumbling over my words. “You might have seen something that was a bit confusing, so we thought we’d check if you had any questions?”
“Are there more cereal bars?” she shot back, not even glancing at us. But we were determined. This was our moment to teach, dammit.
I pressed on, “Sometimes, mommies and daddies need some grown-up alone time in bed.”
“Sometimes in other places,” my partner chimed in, but I cut him off quicker than you can say “awkward.”
“We love each other very much, and sometimes we show that love by lying on top of each other, sometimes without clothes. It’s totally normal and nothing to be embarrassed about. It’s a special, private way that adults express love.”
“Right, like an eclipse! If you look directly at it, you’ll go blind,” he added helpfully.
“Remember that book we gave you about how babies are made?” I asked. “We weren’t making a baby…”
“Definitely not,” he assured our still-silent daughter.
“Haha, oh no,” I added, exchanging a look with him. “Can you imagine? A newborn? Ugh, no thanks. But the part in the book before the baby… sometimes we do what’s in the book just because we love each other, and it feels good. Totally normal, just like the book says.”
“When mommies and daddies really, really love each other, sometimes they go off the book. I doubt reverse cowgirl was in that book, am I right?” my ever-helpful husband chimed in.
“Sometimes Daddy watches too many movies,” I quipped.
“Yeah, sometimes Daddy forgets to clear his Internet history,” he shot back.
“Sometimes, Daddy likes to try and twist Mommy into a pretzel shape, forgetting she’s not a circus performer but a 45-year-old with back issues,” I continued. “Do normal legs bend like that? No, no they do not.”
“Sometimes, you might hear funny noises. Mommy makes little high-pitched sounds, and that’s perfectly normal, nothing to worry about,” he rambled.
“Sometimes Daddy gets super sweaty, like he’s a seal,” I couldn’t help but add, even though I knew I shouldn’t.
“I’d say more like a sea lion, but the point is I work very hard for…”
“Okay, we’re going off the rails here,” I shot him a look but it didn’t stop him.
“Remember when we went to the aquarium? It’s kinda like that, but with genitals.”
“Shut it. Just stop talking,” I hissed, trying to regain control.
“The important thing is that we love each other very much, and sex is a beautiful, natural part of being a grown-up, okay?” I summarized, trying to wrap it up.
“Right. A married grown-up. A special, beautiful, natural part of being a grown-up, but only when you’re married and, like, 30 years old,” he added, driving the point home.
“And married,” I finished. “So, do you have any questions?”
We held our breath.
She finally spoke up, “Yes. Are there any more cereal bars?”
Well, there you have it.
If you want to dive deeper into similar topics, check out this post on intracervical insemination. It’s a great resource. Also, if you’re curious about fertility options, Make a Mom is an authority on the subject. And for more information about pregnancy, this Wikipedia page is an excellent resource.
Summary
Navigating conversations about sex with kids can be awkward, as this story humorously illustrates. When faced with an unexpected situation, parents may try to explain the concept of love and intimacy, often stumbling through a mix of awkward jokes and genuine attempts to provide clarity. Ultimately, kids may just be more interested in cereal bars than the complexity of adult relationships.