Hey Mom, Let’s Talk About Bedtime!

So, I’ve been giving it some thought, and I’ve got to say, Mom, your “nighttime routine” is a total circus. I know you think I’m just hiding out under the table to make a mess, but really, I’m plotting my escape from this chaotic bedtime saga. Here’s the deal: you’re doing it all wrong.

Mistake 1: The Bath

Seriously, Mom, why on earth would you put me in a tub filled with all those fun toys and expect me to chill out? It’s like having a mini water park right at home! Bubbles, toys, and my favorite person—what do you think I’m going to do? Splash like a maniac! And good luck getting me into those PJs afterward, especially the footie ones. No way.

Mistake 2: The Bedtime Story

Oh please, a tale about a prince and princess battling villains and riding magic carpets is not putting me to sleep. If anything, it gets my imagination running wild! I know you’re trying to hush me, but I just want to chime in about the cool parts! Do some voices or something, Mom. Let’s make this more fun!

Mistake 3: The Bedtime Song

Let’s be real for a sec—your singing is not winning any awards. I love you, but come on! You pick the most cringe-worthy songs from the ’90s that make me want to cover my ears. Enough with the slow jams! At least Dad throws in some Pink Floyd now and then. Your tunes aren’t helping me snooze.

Mistake 4: The Rocking Chair

You think rocking back and forth in silence will knock me out? Not happening! I like hanging with you, but I’m too big for that chair now. Stop trying to swaddle me; I’m not a little baby anymore! Let’s find a more comfortable solution.

Mistake 5: Putting Me in My Bed

By the time you’ve gotten me into bed, I can feel your desperation. Sure, I’ll let you tuck me in, but let’s be real—you trying to snuggle in here with me? I’m going to kick you, and you know it. Watching you sneak out like a ninja is kind of hilarious, though. Pro tip: If I were actually asleep, you could slam that door, and I wouldn’t mind one bit!

Mistake 6: The Water

How have you not figured this out yet? I’m definitely going to want water, but not from that lame cup you keep by my pillow. That thing hasn’t seen a washcloth in ages! I want the pink cup with the straw from the kitchen, thank you very much!

Mistake 7: You Just Keep Trying

Honestly, Mom, the biggest blunder of all is that you keep trying so hard. Trying new things like lavender oil or a sound machine just adds to your frustration. Accept it already: I run bedtime, not you. I’ll decide when I’m ready to sleep, and it’s usually not when you want me to. So let’s just embrace it and maybe grab a midnight snack while we’re at it.

In summary, bedtime needs a major revamp, and it starts with you realizing who really calls the shots here. Let’s make this routine less of a struggle, okay? And hey, if you’re curious about family planning or pregnancy, check out this excellent resource for more info.