The Thoughts That Keep Me Up at Night

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You know those late nights when you just can’t seem to shut your brain off? Yeah, I’ve been there. Lying in bed, I can’t help but think about my little ones. I replay the day in my mind, contemplating all the things I could’ve done differently. What I said, what I didn’t say, and those moments when I might have let them down, even in small ways.

I think about that time when my son, Max, spilled juice all over the table while trying to help clean up. Instead of being patient, I snapped at him. I could have laughed it off, saying, “It’s okay, buddy! Accidents happen!” Instead of showing him how to clean it up together, I missed a chance to connect.

Or that moment when my daughter, Lily, kept bringing me her favorite book for the hundredth time. I was tired and just wanted some peace, so I brushed her off. But really, I could’ve taken just a few minutes to enjoy her excitement about the story, snuggling with her as I read.

I think about the times I lost my cool when they didn’t finish their meals or when they were too loud while I was trying to focus on something else. They were just being kids—full of energy and imagination. I should’ve taken a breath, joined in on their silliness, and let go of my need for control.

Then there were the times they fought over who could sit next to me. Instead of seeing their need for closeness, I got frustrated and pushed them both away. They were only looking for a little love and affection. A simple, “Let’s all cuddle together!” could have turned the moment around.

I worry about the days ahead when they won’t want to snuggle anymore, when they’ll be too grown up to crawl into my lap. The thought of missing out on those little moments fills me with sadness. I wish I could hold onto these sweet years a little longer.

As I lie there, I feel that familiar ache in my heart. It’s hard to believe how quickly they are growing up. I often find myself wishing I could just sneak into their rooms, wrap my arms around them, and whisper, “I’m sorry for not always being the mom you deserve.” I want to feel their tiny bodies against mine, to remember that they are a part of me, and I am a part of them.

But ultimately, I resist those urges to wake them up. I don’t want my restless thoughts to disrupt their peaceful slumber. Instead, I promise myself that tomorrow will be a better day, filled with better moments and more love. And if you’re curious about parenting and home insemination, check out this post here.

It’s all about finding ways to improve and embrace the journey we’re on. And for those looking for ways to boost fertility, you can find some helpful info here. Plus, if you’re interested in genetics and IVF, this resource is a valuable read.

In the end, I just hope to make better choices, to cherish every precious moment, and to love them fiercely.