The Reality of Living with an Eating Disorder

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Hey there! So, I want to share something really personal with you. I’m 39, have a family, some furry friends, and I even coach my daughter’s soccer team. On the surface, I appear pretty normal—neither too thin nor too heavy, and I’m the kind of person who laughs a lot. Most people would think I’ve got it all together, except for my occasional colorful language!

But here’s the thing: I’m living with an eating disorder, and very few know about it.

When you think of an eating disorder, you might picture a girl who’s emaciated, frail, and obsessively counting calories, or maybe someone who’s overweight and sneaking food in secret. Yes, those people exist, but there’s a whole spectrum in between that many don’t see—a vast chasm filled with self-hatred and shame that affects countless individuals.

Our behaviors can vary widely, but the inner turmoil often feels the same: “I can’t be fat.” “If I’m fat, I’m worthless.” “I don’t deserve to take up space.” It sounds shallow, I know, but this is a sickness that has taken hold of me in ways I can’t fully describe.

I’m not making myself throw up anymore—those days are behind me, and I’ve deemed myself “recovered.” I don’t obsessively exercise or binge eat as often, but those thoughts? They’re relentless and they gnaw away at me. I might look fine on the outside, but inside, it’s a different story. I’m surrounded by a fog of anxiety, shame, and self-loathing, like some kind of dark soundtrack that plays on repeat every time I indulge.

“Tomorrow I’ll start fresh. Tomorrow I’ll be good. Tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow…” Ugh, tomorrow can take a hike. Today feels like a battle and I can’t escape the noise.

I wonder what you think when you read this? Do you relate to my struggle but feel trapped in silence? Or do you see me as someone weak, caught up in vanity? Regardless of your perspective, I want you to know that this isn’t a choice. I’ve lost my grip on rationality and perspective.

Someone once told me, “You don’t know what you don’t know.” It’s true. I’ve lost sight of what life could be like outside this deep pit of despair. I have started therapy, but it’s tough to trust someone who claims they can help. Handing over control of my eating habits feels like a death sentence. But maybe, just maybe, there’s a spark of hope in this chaos—a chance to rediscover a more vibrant life.

Each of us has to carve out our own path. Sometimes, it feels like surrendering to the waves might lead me somewhere unexpected—like uncovering hidden treasures of joy and freedom.

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In closing, remember that while the journey may be tough, there’s always hope for brighter days ahead.