20 Essential Requirements for My 2-Year-Old to Use the Potty

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Potty training in my home has been anything but smooth sailing. I mean, there’s plenty of chaos, but the frustration doesn’t stem from me or my partner. Instead, it’s our 2-year-old little ruler who unleashes a storm of emotions when her very specific criteria aren’t met before she attempts to sit on the potty.

After careful observation and some serious number crunching, here are the 20 conditions that must be satisfied for my toddler to even consider using the potty:

1. Mercury needs to be in retrograde, with Jupiter rising and a bad moon on the way.
2. The bathroom aroma must be as fresh as a spring meadow, achieved not through artificial scents but with a rotating selection of organic herbs, bundled with periwinkle ribbon.
3. The lighting can’t exceed 120 watts.
4. The bathroom temperature must stay between 72.5 and 72.7 degrees. Showers are a definite no-go, as the steam messes with the perfect temperature.
5. A virgin sheep must be shorn within 1,000 miles.
6. We must remain calm and avoid eye contact while making requests like, “Please don’t pee on my arm” or “Whoa! Don’t touch that; it’s a pube.”
7. We must choose correctly between the training potty and the big toilet. There’s no hint, and a wrong choice guarantees a bowel movement in 17 seconds.
8. No commercial flights, seagulls, or crows can fly overhead. Pigeons and vintage pre-WWII planes are fine.
9. No one can wear socks.
10. At least four stuffed animals and one live cat must be present and attentive during the entire process.
11. Potty time can only happen on the first Tuesday, second Monday, third Saturday, or fourth Friday of any month ending in “Y.” Unless it’s raining, in which case only Thursdays are acceptable.
12. A deer and an antelope need to be frolicking somewhere, ideally with a buffalo in sight.
13. The library should be closed.
14. Organic bananas need to be on sale at Whole Foods.
15. One-third of the doors in our house must be open.
16. The kitchen rug should be slightly askew, twisted counter-clockwise.
17. No phone calls must come in 15 minutes before or after potty attempts. Texting or checking Facebook is also a strict no.
18. A parent must urgently need to use the bathroom at the same time.
19. A family member should be discovering a random chin hair.
20. A double rainbow must be visible over a group of albino dolphins guiding an orphaned beluga whale to its new home.

This article was originally published on Sep. 22, 2015.

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Summary

Potty training can often feel like an uphill battle filled with absurd conditions that must be met for success. From the perfect bathroom temperature to cosmic alignments, every little thing seems to play a role in whether my 2-year-old decides to use the potty.