My Shy Kid Isn’t Rude

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My Shy Kid Isn’t Rude

by Jamie Thompson
Updated: Jan. 28, 2021
Originally Published: Sep. 22, 2015

The kids and I pull up to our friend’s house, where we’re greeted with big smiles. I wave and say, “Hey, everyone!” Our girls jump in with cheerful “Hello!” and a bright “Good morning!” Meanwhile, our son quietly slips in without a word.

My friend calls out his name and asks how he’s doing. He looks down, takes off his shoes, and then asks me a completely random question, totally ignoring our friend’s greeting. “She said ‘hello’ to you, buddy,” I gently remind him, hoping to steer him towards a response. He mumbles a quick “hi,” barely glancing in her direction before darting off into the house.

I can almost hear someone thinking, How rude! But I know my son well. His behavior isn’t rudeness; it’s shyness. All kids go through phases of being shy, some more intense than others. When someone says hello—even a familiar face—they may respond with silence. Perhaps a fleeting moment of eye contact or a half-hearted wave, but usually no words at all. It can definitely come across as rude to others. We’ve taught our kids to respond to greetings. We practice it at home, but shyness can be a tough barrier to overcome.

I’ve seen other kids who will chat up a storm with anyone they meet. I’ve had little ones strike up conversations with me at the grocery store, completely unbothered by shyness, and it always surprises me. I adore those outgoing kids—they’re a hoot!—but that’s just not how things roll in our household. I wasn’t like that as a child, nor was my husband. And by some twist of genetics, our kids are following suit.

Then there are those who are a bit shy but can manage to greet and chat with people they know. They might not seek out conversations with strangers, but when approached, they can respond comfortably.

And then you have the super shy kids—like ours, who were painfully shy from about ages 4 to 9. People who know me now might find it hard to believe, but I was once that kid too. I remember what it felt like to be shy—it was tough. Unless you’ve experienced being painfully shy, you might not grasp how it feels. Imagine being called on to speak in front of an audience, feeling like you’re on stage, with everyone waiting for you to say something, and you’re utterly unprepared.

That sense of discomfort, anxiety, and even fear is what a shy child experiences when someone—anyone besides a family member—talks to them. The racing heart, the flushed cheeks, and the inability to respond. All of this internal chaos is happening while they try to appear normal. But that only amplifies the perception of rudeness, as they struggle to muster a response.

They might manage a barely audible “hi” that takes every ounce of energy, or they may lift a hand to wave, but then the eye contact throws them off, and they look for any distraction to avoid talking. Sometimes they giggle, make odd sounds, or hide behind a parent’s leg, anything to escape the pressure of conversation.

I know this sounds overly dramatic, but for shy kids, typical social interactions, especially when they first arrive somewhere, can feel like a big deal. They might be hyper-aware of their surroundings and need time to adjust before they can engage socially.

The bottom line is that when a shy kid seems to be ignoring you, they’re not. They’re acutely aware of you but are too busy grappling with their internal struggles to engage.

I can’t pinpoint what causes shyness. I just know I had it, and eventually, I managed to overcome it, or maybe I just grew out of it. Through experience and some gentle encouragement, I found my voice and realized it was more uncomfortable to be shy than to engage with others. It took me until my tween years to truly get there. My daughters, now 11 and 15, have largely moved past their extreme shyness, so I’m confident our son will too.

If you encounter a child who seems to be ignoring you, please don’t label them as rude or ill-mannered. It’s easy to jump to that conclusion, but if you understood the monumental effort it takes for some kids just to make eye contact and say “hi,” you might view it differently. One of the best things my parents did for me was to allow me to be shy without making me feel ashamed. This support helped me eventually feel at ease.

To support shy kids, try not to pressure them to converse. Smile at them and acknowledge their presence, but avoid putting them on the spot with questions until they feel comfortable. You might say, “It’s nice to see you!” instead of asking how they are, and then leave it at that. Try not to take their initial silence personally—they’re not being rude; they’re just shy. There is a difference.

For more insights, check out this article on shyness and communication. If you’re looking for resources on fertility, Make a Mom has great information. Additionally, if you’re exploring pregnancy options, UCSF offers excellent resources on IVF and other treatments.

In summary, understanding and patience go a long way in supporting shy kids. They may seem disengaged, but they’re often navigating a complex inner world. With the right encouragement and time, they can find their voice and feel more comfortable interacting with others.