The Vagina Games: A Hilarious Journey to Reclaiming My Body

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After welcoming my little ones into the world, I found myself in the same boat as many moms: yearning for a moment of peace and the return of my favorite jeans. But what I truly craved was the ability to sneeze or jump without worrying about a little leakage. Luckily, my kiddos were born in France, a place renowned for its seemingly perfect women. They don’t gain weight, their kids eat anything, and they raise well-mannered children. And now, I can add one more thing to that list: they possess strong pelvic floors!

Even though I wasn’t born with a French vagina, living in France has given my lady parts a healthy dose of French flair. My daughters were both born here, so when I heard midwives and doctors shouting “Pousse! Pousse!” during labor, it felt completely normal. After giving birth, French women—regardless of their origins—go for a six-week checkup, where they receive a prescription for ten sessions with a midwife, or sage femme, to kickstart their pelvic floor rehabilitation. Trust me, I had no idea what that entailed at first.

So there I was, baguette in one hand and a prescription in the other, ready for my appointment with my sleeping baby nestled in her car seat. I was blissfully unaware of what awaited me. After some friendly chit-chat with the midwife, she handed me a little gadget called a sonde (or wand), which I affectionately nicknamed my joystick. You can imagine the fun I had with that term.

Our consultation began, and the midwife proceeded to ask me the most personal questions with absolute ease: Do you leak when you sneeze? Can you shower without peeing? How’s your sex life? At first, I wondered if she actually needed to know this or if she was just being nosy. After our little Q&A, it was time for an examination. Now, I’ve had my fair share of quick internal exams, but this one was different. It felt like a marathon! She took her sweet time, instructing me to contract and relax while we chatted. I must have looked petrified, but eventually, it became routine.

Fast forward through several sessions, and I became more comfortable with my midwife, who I felt had become my new best friend. The wand eventually took over the midwife’s fingers, and I was hooked up to a computer. Yes, I was about to embark on a gaming adventure with my vagina! Picture this: I was represented by a yellow dot on the screen, and my mission was to keep it between the lines by contracting and releasing the wand inside me, all while receiving mild electric shocks meant to strengthen my pelvic floor. It was wild!

Two years later, I found myself back on the examination table with Baby No. 2 watching from the sidelines for my final session. I felt like an Olympian preparing for the Vagina Olympics. The midwife cranked up the electric shock level, and I assured her that I felt nothing, so she turned it up even more. “I must have the world’s strongest vagina!” I joked, but she didn’t get it and thought I was just odd.

Then came the moment of truth. As I shifted to make a silly face at my daughter, I let out an unexpected scream, sending my body into a starfish position on the table while the midwife hurried to turn off the machine. It took me days to recover from that little incident.

Motherhood demands many sacrifices, and our bodies often take the brunt of it all. Can you imagine a man voluntarily zapping himself in such a sensitive area? It’s safe to say that only women would willingly subject themselves to a little shock therapy in hopes of reclaiming their pre-baby bodies. Now, almost four years into motherhood, every time I sneeze, I think of my own mom and silently apologize as I reach for a tissue. Whether it’s for my nose or otherwise, you can only guess!

If you’re interested in learning more about home insemination, check out this excellent resource or visit Make a Mom for fertility supplements. For further reading on pregnancy, explore Facts About Fertility, which is a great place to find information. And if you want to keep your pelvic floor in check, read more about this handy guide.

Summary:

This light-hearted narrative reveals the humorous experiences of a mother navigating her postpartum body and the unique pelvic floor rehabilitation practices in France. From awkward examinations to gaming sessions with her vagina, the author shares the ups and downs of motherhood while highlighting the sacrifices women make for their bodies.