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How Not To Chat With Your Kids About Sex
Well, it finally happened. Last night, our little one caught us… well, let’s just say, in a compromising position. We weren’t sure how long she’d been standing there in the dark before she piped up with, “I can’t sleep…”
We both froze. After a few painfully awkward seconds, she added, “And yes, I can see you.”
Great.
We (very sheepishly) got ourselves sorted and pulled the sheets over as she hopped into bed between us. Within minutes, she was out cold, while we lay there wide awake, cringing for the next six hours.
When morning came, we decided to tackle the situation head-on, together and in a calm manner. We sat down on the couch across from her, smiling and holding hands, while she flipped through her favorite cartoons.
“Good morning, sweet pea. We wanted to have a little chat about, um, last night,” I started, fumbling. “You might have seen something that confused you, so we wanted to see if you had any questions?”
“Are there any more cereal bars?” she replied, never taking her eyes off the screen. But we were determined. This was a teaching moment, after all!
I continued, “Sometimes, mommies and daddies enjoy having some grown-up alone time in bed.”
“Or sometimes other places,” my husband chimed in helpfully, before I swiftly cut him off.
“We love each other a lot, and sometimes we show that love by cuddling together, sometimes without clothes. It’s absolutely normal and nothing to be shy about. It’s a way adults express their love for each other, in a special private way.”
“Yep! Not something we do all the time, kind of like a solar eclipse—if you look too closely, you’ll go blind,” he added, ever the comedian.
“Remember that book we gave you about how babies are made?” I asked. “We weren’t making a baby, just to be clear.”
“Oh, definitely not,” he assured our still-silent daughter.
“Haha, can you imagine? A newborn? No thank you!” I chuckled, but I awkwardly continued, “But the book talks about how sometimes we do things because we love each other, and it feels nice, just like it says in the book.”
“When mommies and daddies really care for each other, sometimes they go off the script. I doubt reverse cowgirl was in that book, right?” my husband added helpfully.
“Sometimes Daddy watches too many movies,” I joked, trying to lighten the mood.
“Yeah, and forgets to clear his browser history,” he shot back.
“Sometimes Daddy tries to bend Mommy into weird positions, forgetting that she’s not a gymnast, but a 45-year-old woman with back issues,” I said, realizing we were straying off course.
“Important takeaway: we love each other very much, and sex is a beautiful part of being a grown-up, alright?” I summed up, hoping to wrap things up.
“Right! A married grown-up. A beautiful, natural part of being an adult, but only when you’re married and, like, in your 30s,” he added, reinforcing the point.
“Exactly. So, any questions?”
We held our breath, waiting.
Finally, she spoke up.
“Yes. Are there any more cereal bars?”