Hey Mom, Bedtime Needs a Makeover!

Hey there, Mom! I know you think I’m just hiding out under the table to avoid a diaper change, but truth be told, I’ve been pondering our chaotic “nighttime routine.” Spoiler alert: You’re doing bedtime all wrong!

Mistake 1: Bath Time Shenanigans

Seriously, Mom, you’re a bit out there. Why would you put me in a tub full of fun toys and expect me to wind down? It’s more like a mini water park! I’m 2, and you know what my idea of paradise looks like? Water, bubbles, toys, and of course, you! And really, you think I won’t splash? The bathroom is about to become a water wonderland. Just a heads up: my escape plan includes running around the house in nothing but my birthday suit until you can get me into some PJs (definitely not the footed ones unless you want a meltdown).

Mistake 2: The Bedtime Story

Oh, come on! A tale about a prince, a princess, and magical adventures is not going to lull me to sleep. Those stories are action-packed, and I’m right there in the thick of it, even if they’re just words on a page. I know you’re trying to shush me, but I’m just helping you with the plot! How about you throw in some fun voices instead?

Mistake 3: Your Singing Skills

Let’s address the elephant in the room: your singing isn’t quite winning any awards. I love you, but you might want to stick to the shower. And those songs? Ugh! They’re straight out of the ‘90s adult contemporary scene! Enough with the sappy melodies that make me want to cover my ears. At least Dad has a few decent tunes up his sleeve. You both need to step up your music game if you want me to drift off!

Mistake 4: The Rocking Chair Routine

You really think I’m going to just fall asleep while we rock back and forth in silence? Nope! I like our hangout time, but I’m getting too big for that chair. Stop trying to swaddle me with that blanket I keep kicking off. Let’s face it; I’m not an infant anymore!

Mistake 5: The Bedtime Transition

By now, I can sense your desperation, so fine, I’ll let you tuck me in. But if you think getting into bed with me will help, think again! I’m totally going to kick you, probably right in the face, until you’re ready to cry. And when you tiptoe out, just so you know, I’m wide awake—and if I were actually asleep, I wouldn’t care if you slammed the door!

Mistake 6: Hydration Issues

How have you not figured this out? I’m definitely going to need a drink of water, and that cup you left by my bed? No thanks! It’s gross and not my style. I want the pink cup with the straw from the kitchen! Trust me on this one.

Mistake 7: Stop Trying So Hard

Honestly, the biggest blunder is your relentless effort to change things up. Lavender oil? Sound machines? Whatever you’re calling “candy” (I know it’s melatonin)? Just stop! You’re only making it more complicated for both of us. Accept that I run the show when it comes to bedtime. I’ll be back to sleep when I’m ready, not when you want me to be. Now, how about a midnight snack for both of us? We might be awake for a while!

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In summary, Mom, your current bedtime routine needs a serious upgrade. From bath time to nighttime snacks, let’s work together to make bedtime a more enjoyable experience for both of us!