The 21 Phases of Decluttering Your Kid’s Old Toys

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When you have children, it’s amazing how quickly clutter can accumulate. Some items are intentional purchases—like cribs and playful plush toys—while others seem to materialize out of nowhere, creating a chaotic collection of stuff. Before you know it, you’re faced with toy bins overflowing with gifts, hand-me-downs, and some truly bizarre items, like crumpled snack wrappers and empty toy packaging. If you’re looking to reclaim some space but your little one is holding on tight, here’s a lighthearted guide through the 21 stages of clearing out those old toys.

1. You acquire a loud or awkward toy, and realize you can’t possibly keep something so annoying. For example, a bright orange rubber figure named “Funky Fred” won at a fair turns out to be a dust magnet.
2. You mentally note it for the next decluttering session.
3. Create a designated area for unwanted items. For me, it’s an old box tucked under my desk, ready for a trip to the donation center.
4. Wait for your child to be out for a short while—like during their little preschool class, giving you a mere 23 minutes to get things done.
5. Meanwhile, Funky Fred starts to deteriorate, shedding bits of rubber like a bad haircut. You find pieces of him mixed with your own hair, and you decide it’s time for action.
6. You stuff him into the box, hiding him beneath old phone chargers and mismatched mugs.
7. When your kid comes home, they immediately sense something is off and rescue Funky Fred from his hiding spot.
8. The next day, your child pleads, “Mom, please don’t throw away any of my toys!” in a way that would make anyone feel guilty.
9. You wait six months and realize your child hasn’t touched Funky Fred at all.
10. Funky Fred continues to fall apart, limbs detaching like a bad science experiment.
11. You find a dismembered arm on your favorite chair.
12. It’s time to act.
13. The following day, during your brief window of freedom, you bury Funky Fred in the kitchen trash under coffee grounds and eggshells, feeling momentarily like you’ve just disposed of a piece of your child’s childhood.
14. That evening, while taking out the trash, your child spots the lumpy outline of Funky Fred in the bag.
15. You hastily retrieve him, trying to wash off the remnants of yesterday’s breakfast.
16. You can’t shake the feeling that Funky Fred is cursed—maybe the carnival worker knew something you didn’t.
17. Another six months pass, and you find another severed limb in your bed, clinging to a stray hair.
18. This time, you sneak Funky Fred into your handbag for a covert exit.
19. At the dumpster behind the local pharmacy, you prepare to toss him in, but your bag’s clutter sticks to him—old receipts, a gum wrapper, and a snack bar. It feels like a scene from a mob movie. You peel everything off and finally throw Funky Fred away, heart racing.
20. You return home to find a package from Grandma. Your child excitedly opens it to reveal a robot that sings “Yankee Doodle.” Just as it begins to march, it loses a foot.
21. You mentally note this new toy as the next candidate for disposal.

Decluttering can be a hilarious yet emotional journey, but it’s all part of navigating parenthood. For more tips, check out this great resource on pregnancy and home insemination, and if you’re looking for more information, visit Make a Mom to find the best home insemination kits.

In summary, the process of decluttering your child’s toys is a blend of emotion and humor. From the initial acquisition of those noisy items to the ultimate resolution of letting them go, it’s a journey every parent can relate to.