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Please Respect My Black Child’s Hair and Personal Space
Hey there, lovely person at the shoe shop,
You might not remember our brief encounter from a few weeks back, but I do. My family and I were enjoying a little beach vacation when we popped into the store so my mom could find some flip-flops. My 5-year-old son dashed off to explore sneakers (which, let’s be honest, he didn’t need), and you were kind enough to guide us toward the right aisle. We exchanged a few words, and then—out of nowhere—you reached out and touched his head.
That moment stuck with me, not because of the conversation, but because you lingered a bit too long in his hair. It felt like an eternity, even if it was only a few seconds. I was there, frozen, watching as you played with his curls and stroked his adorable little mohawk (which he lovingly calls his “monkey-hawk”). I wanted to say something, to tell you to stop, but I hesitated. My instinct to be polite and avoid awkwardness took over, leaving my protective mom voice silent.
I was the white mom in that store with her Black son, and these encounters are all too familiar. A friendly pat on the head can sometimes feel more like curiosity than affection. I often feel a rush of protectiveness in those moments, even if I don’t act on it. I want to shield my child from being the subject of someone else’s intrigue. I want him to feel whole and accepted, especially in predominantly white spaces where he might feel different. I want him to know that his boundaries are important.
Microaggressions happen often, often unintentionally. Well-meaning individuals may not realize that their actions can devalue or stereotype a person of color, leaving them feeling “othered.” After our encounter, I reflected on it for days, discussing it with my husband, family, and friends from mixed-race backgrounds. I even reached out to friends with curly-haired kids to ask if they’ve had similar experiences.
I acknowledged that you likely didn’t think about how your touch might affect me or my son. As a friend pointed out, Black people typically don’t touch each other’s hair out of respect for cultural significance and the effort that goes into caring for it. Many people, especially those who aren’t familiar with this cultural context, might not understand that their curiosity can feel invasive.
I want you to know that while curiosity is natural, it’s not okay to invade my son’s personal space just to satisfy it. Sometimes, curiosity must remain unfulfilled, especially when it comes at the cost of someone else’s comfort.
Right now, I’m teaching him that his body is his own. He has the right to assert himself if someone makes him feel uncomfortable. Although he’s too young to fully grasp the racial implications of these encounters, I want to lay a foundation for understanding personal boundaries.
Would you have approached my son differently if I weren’t white? Or if he had been with his Black father? It’s essential to realize that my whiteness doesn’t give you a pass to invade his space.
I don’t want to be that mom who gets defensive over every question or innocent curiosity. We’re all navigating this complex world together, and I want my sons to feel empowered while also being understanding and relaxed.
If your curiosity is genuine—if you want to learn more about my family or the care of Black hair—I’d be open to talking. However, I prefer not to do it around my son, who is already quite aware of his identity in predominantly white environments, like that shoe store. Open conversations are crucial for growth and understanding, and I owe it to my children to help facilitate that.
Summary
Encounters where well-meaning individuals touch Black children’s hair can be uncomfortable and feel invasive. It’s important to respect personal boundaries and understand the cultural significance of Black hair. Teaching children about their rights and boundaries is essential for their empowerment. Genuine curiosity should be expressed in ways that respect individual comfort levels.