Parenthood Led Me to Therapy

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These days, parenting dominates my life—it’s something I live and breathe. Recently, I embarked on a journey to therapy, largely prompted by my experiences as a new mom. Since welcoming my daughter two years ago, I’ve found myself reflecting on my own upbringing and the contrasting parenting styles of my parents. Not to say that I’m making direct comparisons, but my own childhood feels a bit more complicated now that I’m raising my little one. It seems that generational differences in parenting styles are quite common, not just in families but also among friends, contributing to that feeling of mom loneliness… and let’s not forget the ever-present mommy guilt.

My parents welcomed me and my brother into the world when they were just 18 and 19—definitely not planned. They weren’t emotionally prepared for the challenges of parenthood. While they did their best to provide us with basic needs—a roof over our heads, clothes on our backs, and food in our bellies—they were still navigating their own unresolved issues from their childhoods. My father, for instance, faced a turbulent upbringing as an immigrant with a violent father, while my mother dealt with the hardships of growing up in poverty with an alcoholic parent.

In the days following my daughter’s birth, I found myself pondering the sacrifices my parents made for us. Looking back, I realized these sacrifices were often laced with resentment—not just towards each other, but also towards my brother and me. This resentment manifested in my father’s infidelities and aggression, while my mother often expressed passive aggression and misplaced anger, which we bore the brunt of. Ironically, if you asked them, they would say they worked tirelessly to give us a better life than they had.

As I became increasingly aware of the dysfunctional aspects of my upbringing, I grew more protective of my daughter, which led to trust issues. I began to withdraw from friends, rarely taking breaks because I didn’t trust babysitters, and I became obsessed with doing everything “right.” But what did “right” even mean? My understanding was pieced together from instincts, online advice, and conversations with other moms.

During visits to my parents’ house with my daughter, several moments stood out to me, making me uncomfortable but also enlightening me about their parenting approach. When I called my daughter smart, my father countered with, “What if she isn’t smart?” This left me puzzled—of course, she was smart! There was also an incident where my father had to leave the room while I breastfed, and my mother jokingly held my four-month-old over her head, telling her to tell me to “shut up.” Growing up, we weren’t really respected in our household, and I recognized how this might have contributed to some of the issues I caused, ultimately stemming from their parenting style—the “do-as-I-say” method and the notion that father knows best.

After I graduated college, I moved across the country to explore job opportunities. Ironically, I ended up working at a nonprofit focused on anti-violence, where I learned about the impacts of violence on relationships and children. This experience helped me understand healthy communication and boosted my confidence. However, after my daughter was born, I found myself alone with her while my partner worked long hours, and my thoughts turned toxic. I realized I had been distracting myself from my issues by throwing myself into work. Once I returned to work, I found that many of the people I was helping triggered memories of my own past, and the struggle to balance motherhood and work eventually led to my being laid off—an unexpected opportunity to heal.

I was one of the first among my friends to enter the world of parenthood. During visits, I kept my struggles to myself, not wanting to overwhelm them. My daughter’s sleep schedule was chaotic, which only added to my anxiety around other moms. I felt a loneliness that was unfamiliar and crippling, negatively impacting my self-esteem. I felt guilty for doubting my own family. Eventually, I reached out to a therapist to help process my past and work on rebuilding my confidence.

In therapy, I learned just how crucial friendships with other women can be during motherhood. As I began to connect with new mom friends and spoke less with my own mother, I discovered we were all navigating the challenges of parenting. From difficult partners to health issues with our children, most of us were facing our own battles.

Many parents strive to create better lives for their children, influenced by their own experiences. For my parents, it meant working hard to avoid poverty; for my grandparents, it meant fleeing their countries to escape hardship. I hold no grudges against my parents for their parenting choices, but I recognize the need for my own healing to build confidence and manage my anxieties so that my daughter doesn’t have to endure the same struggles I did.

Parenting is a journey filled with overwhelming love and inevitable mistakes. I know I’ll stumble along the way, but my greatest hope is that my child feels cherished and respected. I want her to grow up feeling secure and capable of forming connections, equipped with self-compassion and support for when she faces challenges—whether those challenges include navigating her feelings about my parenting.

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Summary:

Parenthood has significantly impacted my life, leading me to therapy as I navigate my own experiences and parenting style. Reflecting on my upbringing revealed the complexities of my parents’ sacrifices and the resentment that often accompanied them. As I strive to create a nurturing environment for my daughter, I recognize the importance of processing my past while building confidence for the future. Connecting with other moms has also been crucial in understanding that many of us share similar challenges. Ultimately, I hope to foster a loving and respectful relationship with my child as we navigate the ups and downs of life together.