Dear Parents of “Typical” Kids,

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I could have easily been seen as a helicopter parent when my eldest son, Max, was diagnosed with Asperger’s at just 3 years old. When he began middle school eight years ago, I made it my mission to organize groups of neighborhood kids to walk or bike to school together. I noticed that other parents weren’t taking similar steps, but Max had no clue about their plans and was eager to be included. He felt uncomfortable reaching out to initiate those arrangements himself.

“Could the boys ride to school together?” I asked one of the moms, Sarah.

“I’m not sure what they’ve decided,” she replied.

“How about we try it for the first few days?” I suggested.

“I’ll ask,” she said.

After three days of trying, it became clear: Max was on his own. He couldn’t keep up, and the others weren’t slowing down.

Now, my youngest son, Jake, is starting middle school, and he’s confidently making his own plans with his friends. I’m not fretting over which of his buddies might need extra support like I did with Max. I don’t think the parents or children from eight years ago were being unkind when they opted for a quicker pace; I would have been over the moon if they had considered how to make it work for everyone involved.

Navigating these different needs can be challenging. I had to stay more engaged than other parents to help Max feel included. I was the one asking what everyone’s after-school plans were weeks ahead of time. I hosted kids at our house to ensure he had someone to connect with. I provided fun activities and endless ice cream to make our home the go-to hangout spot. I was involved in social planning longer than most parents, which could be confusing for those without a child needing extra support.

Please remember, I’m not trying to micromanage my child’s social life; I was merely teaching him how to connect with others, as he struggled to do that independently. While other kids ventured out with less parental guidance, Max still needed help navigating the complex social landscape of middle school.

I know it’s not your responsibility to look out for my child, but I hope you can picture how it would feel if your own child were facing social challenges. Imagine how impactful it would be if another parent or child extended a hand to help bridge that gap. Here are some simple ways you can help foster inclusivity:

1. Ask what’s needed: When Max was in middle school, another family invited him to a birthday party at a noisy venue and asked us how to make it comfortable for him. Their kindness and directness made it easy to accommodate.
2. Offer a trial: Parents often hesitate to commit to long-term plans. Why not suggest trying something out for a week to see how it goes for all kids involved?
3. Empower kids: Allow children to make choices about how they can build a more inclusive community. It’s essential to create a welcoming environment, but they can decide how to participate.
4. Give me the benefit of the doubt: If my actions seem puzzling, please know that I have valid reasons for my anxiety. Kids on the autism spectrum often struggle with transitions. Before significant changes, I engaged Max with various activities to help him prepare. This included tours of new places, meeting teachers, and even talking to current students. It may seem excessive, but it’s what enables him to thrive in a typical school environment.

For more insights on building community and inclusivity, check out this related post on our blog.

In summary, being aware of and accommodating children with different needs can make a world of difference. Together, we can create an environment where everyone feels included and valued.