The Vagina Chronicles: My Journey to French Fabulousness

home insemination Kit

After welcoming my little ones into the world, I found myself in the same boat as countless other moms. I craved those rare moments of peace and, honestly, just wanted my favorite jeans to fit comfortably again. But my biggest hope? To be able to sneeze or jump without worrying about any little accidents.

Fortune smiled upon me, as my children were born in France. You know how those French women seem to have it all together? They maintain their figures, their kids have adventurous palates, and they raise well-mannered little ones. And now, there’s an additional feather in their cap: they boast strong pelvic floors. I can vouch for this!

While I may not have been blessed with a French vagina by birth, living in France has certainly given my intimate area a taste of French finesse. Both of my daughters were born here, so hearing midwives and doctors enthusiastically shout “Pousse! Pousse!” was just part of the experience. Thanks to giving birth in France, I received the same exceptional pre- and postnatal care as any French woman.

After my first child, I went in for the typical six-week checkup, where I, like all French women, was handed a prescription for 10 sessions with a midwife, or sage femme, to kick off my périnée rehabilitation. I admit, I was clueless about what that entailed.

So there I was, channeling my inner French woman, prescription in one hand and a baguette in the other, ready for my appointment. My sleeping baby was in her car seat, and I wore a big grin, blissfully unaware of the adventure ahead. After some chit-chat with the midwife, she handed me a peculiar device she referred to as a sonde (a wand), which I cheekily dubbed my “joystick.”

With my wand in hand, we kicked off our consultation. She asked some rather personal questions without blinking: Do you leak when you sneeze? Can you shower without a mishap? How’s your sex life? Can you feel your partner? I wondered if she really needed this info or if she was just being nosy.

Once we wrapped up the Q&A, I hopped onto the examining table for what turned out to be no ordinary check-up. This was no quick in-and-out visit! She stayed longer than I anticipated, guiding me through contractions and relaxations while making polite small talk. The first time was a whirlwind of nerves—I was trying to focus on our conversation (in French, no less) while possibly setting records for the longest internal exam. But, as with many things, it became routine. After a few sessions, I was practically leaping onto the table, ready for a friendly chat with my new midwife buddy.

And that was just the beginning of my journey toward French vaginal strength. Remember that “joystick”? After some sessions of contracting and relaxing, it was replaced by a fancy gadget connected to a computer. During our appointments, I’d get “plugged in” for a high-tech experience—yes, I was playing video games with my vagina. It gave a whole new meaning to “plug and play.”

On the screen, I was represented by a little yellow dot. The goal was to keep that dot between the lines as it moved, controlling its motion by contracting and releasing the wand inside me, while receiving gentle electric pulses designed to strengthen my pelvic floor. Wild, right? I actually got pretty good at it after ten sessions with my midwife.

Fast-forward two years, and I found myself back on the examining table with baby number two watching from the sidelines. I was gearing up for my final session of vagina gaming and felt a rush of pride—like I was training for the Vagina Olympics.

The midwife was at the computer, adjusting the electric shock levels while I assured her I felt nothing and could handle more. She hesitated but eventually cranked up the voltage. “I must have the world’s strongest vagina!” I joked, but I think she just thought I was odd. Soon enough, I shifted to make a funny face at my daughter, and—BAM! I let out a shriek that probably echoed all the way to the Eiffel Tower. My body jolted as if I’d been hit by lightning, and the midwife quickly hit the “off” button, rushing to save me from myself.

It took a solid five days before I felt normal again. Moms give up so much—especially when it comes to their bodies. Honestly, can you imagine a man voluntarily zapping his sensitive parts? Only women would willingly choose to mildly electrocute themselves in hopes of reclaiming a slice of their pre-baby bodies.

Now, nearly four years into motherhood, every sneeze is a reminder of my own mom. I silently send her an “I’m sorry” as I reach for the tissues. But hey, you never know if I’m grabbing them for my nose or something else!

If you’re interested in more about home insemination, check out this informative piece on intracervical insemination. And for those looking to enhance fertility, Make A Mom has excellent resources. Plus, if you’re curious about the IVF process, this article on what the IVF process is really like is a must-read.

In summary, my journey through motherhood in France has taught me valuable lessons about strength, resilience, and the unique experiences that come with being a mom. From playful vaginal exercises to the realization that our bodies change in ways we never expected, it’s been a wild ride filled with laughter and a bit of embarrassment along the way!