“Look, it’s Uncle Marcus!”
At first, I was taken aback, wondering how my brother, who lives a few states away, managed to magically appear in our living room. Then I realized my 2-year-old son was actually pointing at the TV screen, where a highlight of NBA star Kobe Bryant was playing. In stark contrast to Bryant’s impressive 6-foot-6 stature, my brother might just hit 5-foot-9 on a good day—no one’s mistaking him for a basketball player, that’s for sure.
On another occasion, my son saw my brother as LeBron James and even Seattle Seahawks quarterback Russell Wilson. Just weeks later, Uncle Marcus morphed into a random college basketball player from one of those teams that always gets eliminated in the first round of the NCAA tournament. (I tend to watch a lot of sports!)
While I understood my son was beginning to recognize skin color, I was also a bit anxious. This wasn’t about being uncomfortable talking about race; as a black mom, I know that conversation is inevitable. In fact, black parents often start these discussions earlier than others due to necessity. I was aware that it’s a typical part of child development for kids to notice color differences as early as toddlerhood.
However, I found myself uncertain about how to approach this topic with a mixed-race child who might not fully identify with being either black or white, and who may not yet comprehend what it means to be “both.” At first, I questioned if I had failed him by not surrounding him with more people of color. We do live next door to an Indian family, and his daycare has a great mix of kids from various backgrounds, but most of the adults he sees regularly are white.
Even though my family, all African-Americans of various ages and skin tones, spend plenty of time with him, my brother is the only young black male he interacts with frequently. I worried that if my son only saw young black men on TV involved in sports, he might start forming skewed associations or stereotypes.
Moreover, I wondered how my son viewed himself. “So what color are you?” I asked one day, curious about his perception. He confidently replied that he was white like Dad. “No, you’re both brown and white,” I corrected him. “You’re part like Mommy and part like Daddy.”
He was also rather confused about distinguishing between white people on-screen. To him, “Dad” represented everyone from musician Michael McDonald to various politicians debating health care reform. It was clear he recognized skin color but also factors like age and body type.
As I continued to listen, my worries began to fade. Yes, my son noticed color differences, but he hadn’t absorbed societal messages that assign value based on skin tone. He paid special attention to his friends with brown skin and even noted friends who were “Chinese,” without ever labeling their skin or features as odd or unattractive.
Perhaps the efforts we made as a family—participating in cultural events, ensuring diversity in his daycare, and selecting books and shows that reflect America’s rich tapestry—were paying off. He sees it as normal for kids to have parents of different colors and for children of all backgrounds to connect as friends. He could have “brown” family and “peach” family, feeling comfortable with all of them.
I know that as kids grow older, they inevitably start processing the negative messages society can send. But maybe if they can maintain genuine friendships across racial and ethnic lines early on, that’s a step in the right direction.
Now that he’s 5, my son’s understanding of his identity and racial awareness has matured, although he still views the world through a colorful lens. He no longer identifies as white like Dad; instead, he describes himself as peach and cheerfully remarked one day in the bathtub that he was the same color as his younger brother (who wasn’t even here yet at that time).
Maybe he’s light brown, but not as brown as Mommy, whom he compares to Uncle Marcus and a few select athletes these days—think Diddy or Sean Combs. Baby J feels he’s a mix of both, and he’s proud of that. And honestly, so am I.
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In summary, my biracial son sees color, and that’s perfectly okay. Understanding and embracing this part of his identity is a journey we’re navigating together, and I hope to foster his awareness in a positive way.