What Lessons Are We Instilling in Boys Regarding Masculinity?

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I live in a neighborhood with an eccentric character. He’s a tidy guy who strikes up conversations with anyone passing by and takes care of his garden. However, something about him makes me feel uneasy. Lately, he’s taken to greeting my 5-year-old son, who has been wearing a Batman shirt almost daily. At first, it seemed innocent enough, but then he crouched down in front of my son and said, “You’re a big help to your mom, aren’t you? Aren’t you? Look me in the eye.”

My son, being a typical child, was staring at the ground, avoiding eye contact as he often does when he feels admonished. The man insisted, “Look me in the eye,” three times, prompting me to interject, “He doesn’t have to look you in the eye.” To my surprise, he stood up and replied, “Well, you’re a big help to your mom.”

I suspect that this man might view the situation as a mother overindulging her child, but I see it as a rather odd display of dominance that some men exhibit towards boys.

As a parent, I’ve become acutely aware of the gender conditioning that permeates our culture, especially when I witness it in children. For instance, I once saw a mother at the playground scold her daughter multiple times for showing her frilly underwear, a situation that raises questions about the messages we send.

When it comes to boys, the conditioning can be more subtle, perhaps because we often see their behavior as the standard while girls are expected to embody femininity, which feels different from what we label as “normal.” Yet, we undeniably teach boys to conform to societal expectations of masculinity. Like many parents, I find myself concerned that my son isn’t assertive enough or, as a friend of mine puts it, isn’t “advocating” for himself.

Interestingly, there appears to be a societal anxiety about boys being overshadowed that doesn’t seem to parallel the same concerns for girls. Of course, both genders should learn to stand up for themselves, but girls often receive more encouragement to be inclusive, empathize with others, and nurture friendships. A piece in Pacific Standard highlights that men often feel lonely because they lack the social skills that women typically develop for maintaining relationships.

I can’t help but wonder if our societal pressures on boys to be tough, avoid tears, and assert themselves impacts their ability to form and sustain friendships. The neighbor’s insistence that my son demonstrate deference made me consider whether we’re conditioning boys more towards dominance than compassion and support.

Girls receive the clear message to prioritize others’ needs, to keep the peace, and to smooth over conflicts—messages that can be damaging, as they also need to assert their own needs. But boys must also learn the importance of perspective-taking and how to disengage from conflict rather than always seeking to “win.” I hope my son grows up to be inclusive, inviting shy or quiet kids to join in during recess rather than demanding eye contact or respect. After all, they can have fun side by side without the need for direct confrontation.

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In summary, as we navigate the complexities of parenting boys, it’s crucial to strike a balance between encouraging assertiveness and fostering empathy. Challenging traditional masculinity norms can create a healthier emotional landscape for future generations.