A while back, my partner, Jake, and I had an important conversation. If you’re married, you probably know the kind of talk I mean. It came right after he had left yet another job, expressing that work “made him miserable.” Naturally, this impulsive decision, without a plan in place, infuriated me. I couldn’t wrap my head around how Jake could be so carefree about his career choices. Meanwhile, he couldn’t understand how I could justify spending 40 hours a week doing something I didn’t love.
I had never truly disliked a job, so I listened as Jake explored his limited options, weighed down by the repercussions of his past. As he spoke, I could see his discouragement deepening.
He paused for a moment to catch his breath, and I took that opportunity to ask, “If money, time, education, and background weren’t an issue, what would your dream job be?” Without hesitation, he replied, “I’d want to be a stay-at-home dad.”
This wasn’t the first time he expressed a desire to stay home with our three kids. Jake was meant to be a dad—he’s affectionate, nurturing, and has an innate ability to tackle the tough parenting challenges. He pours his heart into raising our sons to be compassionate and respectful. But when he declared staying home as his ideal job, I felt a wave of betrayal. I felt deceived; the hardworking, ambitious man I married suddenly seemed like a stranger.
I responded with words I now regret: “I don’t know if I can love someone I don’t respect. And I can’t respect someone who has no drive.” I associated his desire to be a stay-at-home dad with a lack of ambition and direction. I was ashamed of those thoughts, believing they made him less of a man.
Our discussion wrapped up quickly, but my guilt lingered. I’ve met many stay-at-home dads and respect them all. So why was I struggling with the idea of my husband taking on that role? I spoke with friends, only to find they shared similar sentiments: they deemed it acceptable for a man to be a stay-at-home dad, as long as it wasn’t their own partner.
It made me sad to think about how men today are often judged by their careers and how women have been conditioned to believe that “real men” can’t be homemakers. I felt a deep sympathy for both sides.
To my wonderful husband, Jake:
I owe you an apology. I’m genuinely sorry for the world we live in—a world where women are encouraged to pursue careers, while men who embrace homemaking are stigmatized. I apologize for letting societal norms cloud my judgment. The idea that a man who stays home lacks ambition is simply untrue. In fact, dedicating yourself to nurturing our children is one of the most ambitious roles you could take on.
You’re shaping our boys into good men, and that’s invaluable. The world needs more men like you—men who are gentle, caring, and empathetic. Men who prioritize family over jobs that take them away and advocate for those who need support.
You redefine what it means to be a man. Respect isn’t about a big paycheck; it’s about the love you show our children, the humility in your apologies, and the passion in your heart. Thank you for being patient with me as I navigate my own understanding of love and respect in our relationship.
If you’re curious about more topics related to parenting and family, check out our post on home insemination. Also, for anyone considering starting a family, Make a Mom offers great resources on at-home insemination kits. For thorough information on pregnancy, Healthline is an excellent resource.
In summary, we should celebrate the dads who choose to stay home and nurture their families. These men deserve respect and admiration, as they contribute profoundly to their children’s lives and society as a whole.