Menopause, Weight Gain, and the Master Cleanse

As the end of October rolls around, I find myself increasingly aware of a little extra fluff I seem to be carrying. It kicks off with Halloween treats and continues right through to Valentine’s Day chocolates. This year, though? The realization hit me much sooner. I could point fingers at my laziness or my poor food choices, but let’s just be honest: it’s menopause, and it’s not fun.

Like many women in their prime, I have skinny jeans as my go-to gauge for when it’s time to dial back on the snacks. But last week, my zipper betrayed me, splitting open dramatically and leaving me in quite the predicament. It was an eye-opener, quite literally, as I now have a metal clasp to thank for a temporary visual impairment. I keep hoping for the day when my legs will again fit comfortably into my jeans so I can finally ditch the Spanx. Ladies, that day has come!

For the past two weeks, I embarked on what some might refer to as “the most ridiculous diet ever.” Seriously, who in their right mind goes 10 days without solid food? A desperate mom, possibly. But let’s clarify: it’s not just a diet; it’s a 10-day detox involving only lemons, water, maple syrup, and cayenne pepper. Sure, it’s a quick way to shed some unwanted weight, and honestly, anything that helps keep the pounds off with minimal effort is a win in my book. I had my sights set on losing just 10 pounds.

Curious about whether the Master Cleanse might be for you? I decided to document my journey. Here’s a taste of my experience!

10-Day Meal Planner

A Whole Bunch of lemons
Water
Grade B maple syrup
Cayenne pepper

(Note: Skip the salt-water flush. Too gross!)

Master Cleanse | Day 1: 3:45 p.m.

It’s freezing! I’m half-expecting a cameo from Björk with a popsicle. So far, I’ve had five lemonade concoctions and even licked a stamp for flavor. Everything around me smells like chicken, and I’m seriously considering snacking on the cat.

Master Cleanse | Day 2: 10:27 a.m.

This morning, I found myself licking my computer screen, thinking I could taste a home-cooked meal. Turns out, a Facebook friend posted a picture of fake eggs that looked suspiciously like something more appetizing. Note to self: get some Windex.

Master Cleanse | Day 3: 1:14 p.m.

My tongue has taken on an alarming white hue, which they say is a sign of detoxing. To me, it looks more like vanilla ice cream. I’m starting to worry I might swallow it!

Master Cleanse | Day 4: 6:25 p.m.

There’s something lodged in my throat that tastes suspiciously like seaweed and chicken. And oddly, it’s kind of good!

Master Cleanse | Day 5: 5:13 a.m.

It’s dark outside, and there’s a chipmunk outside my window. He’s rolling in the dirt and seems to have a message for me: “idiot,” while pointing at my bowl of lemons. I think I’m being mocked.

Master Cleanse | Day 6: 9:26 a.m.

I’m ashamed to admit it, but I cheated this morning. It’s incredible how you can almost taste a cappuccino just by looking at it, but I caved!

Master Cleanse | Day 7: 2:28 p.m.

I’m feeling lighter, but I also think I may have consumed my turkey neck. Thanks, Master Cleanse.

Master Cleanse | Day 8: 4:36 p.m.

Saw a squirrel today with a coat that reminded me of Nutella and peanut butter. Too bad it didn’t taste the same.

Master Cleanse | Day 9: 10:56 a.m.

I can see my toes again! They look… different. More appetizing, perhaps?

Master Cleanse | Day 10: 7:16 p.m.

I made it! Ten days without harming anyone (that I know of)! I feel alive (or at least starving). I’m ready to strut into the gym in my now-fitted spandex and can’t wait to chew something again. I wonder if it will hurt my jaw or if food will taste the same. Oh, and does Domino’s deliver?

In the end, I just can’t wait to see how durable that new zipper is.

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Summary:

Navigating menopause and weight changes can be a challenging journey. The Master Cleanse offers a unique approach to detoxification and weight loss, although it comes with its own set of humorous challenges. By sharing my 10-day experience, I hope to provide a light-hearted take on a serious subject while connecting with others who might be facing similar struggles.