Mom Friends and Mean Girls: A Journey to Finding Your Tribe

home insemination Kit

By: Amanda Greene
Updated: Feb. 12, 2016
Originally Published: Oct. 12, 2015

Like many moms out there, I find myself yearning for those special mom friends. We all seem to be on the lookout at playgrounds and preschool drop-offs for other women who won’t judge our messy homes or our go-to yoga pants. Ideally, our kids are around the same age—because what’s better than playdates that double as hangout time? I want someone who’s chill enough to chat about more than just the usual topics like diaper disasters and sleepless nights. Maybe she has some opinions on current affairs or even shares my love for ’90s music. But honestly? It terrifies me.

My struggles with female friendships started early. In second grade, I was labeled as “ugly,” and my name became a target for mockery. The other girls decided I wasn’t welcome to join their lunch table, so I found myself sitting with the other outcasts at Rainbow Elementary. The bullying didn’t stop there; they tossed me into a cornfield during recess and hid my coat before the bell. I turned to my mom for comfort, but her words stung: “You didn’t have friends last year, and you don’t have any now. It’s your fault.” That moment changed everything, and I stopped confiding in her.

Middle school was even more brutal. As the new kid in a Catholic school, the dynamic shifted, but the cruelty remained. I was ridiculed for my shoes and my lack of leg-shaving knowledge—thanks to not having any girlfriends to guide me. They called me “Ape Girl,” threw my coat on the floor, and even threatened me. I couldn’t wait to escape.

High school brought its own set of challenges, where the queen bees convinced me I was dating the most popular boy only to ridicule me later. They set me up with someone they deemed a loser and laughed when I was pushed into kissing him. Sure, I had friends, but they were more like acquaintances bonded over bands and TV shows than genuine friendships. I never knew if I’d sit with them at lunch or be left out.

As a result, my experience with female relationships has been filled with bullying and drama. If you’ve ever found yourself in a slam book, you know the hesitation when it comes to seeking out new friends. Yet, the need for mom friends is undeniable. I crave someone to discuss baby-led weaning or the latest baby gear—because let’s face it, a little adult conversation can do wonders for the soul.

Still, it’s hard to shake off the insecurities. I often wonder if other moms like me or if they’re whispering about me behind my back. I even question my established friendships: Am I the one always reaching out? Is that other mom taking my place?

What I really want are mom friends who connect with me on more than just parenting. There are plenty of moms with kids the same age as mine who seem decent enough. But I want friendships that allow us to move from discussions about diaper rashes to deeper topics like politics and relationships. I need friends who will help care for my kids when I’m feeling under the weather—and maybe even do a little bathroom cleaning in the process. I’m ready to offer the same in return, but I have to find them first and then trust them.

The stakes are even higher when kids are involved. I worry my past experiences and social anxieties might somehow affect my children’s social lives. As a mom who has been bullied, I’m particularly sensitive about my kids potentially facing the same struggles. We want them to witness strong friendships as they grow up.

I’ve seen mom groups fall apart due to drama and gossip. I’ve witnessed Facebook feuds, lies, and women trying to sabotage one another. It can be daunting. But despite my fears, I’m on the lookout for good mom friends. I’m willing to clean bathrooms! Even if it’s scary, I’m checking out playgrounds, moms’ groups, and baby-wearing clubs, hoping to leave my past behind and start anew.

I refuse to let the queen bees win this time.