A Tall Pumpkin Spice Latte With Skim Milk and a Side of Gloom

October 14, 2015

There’s something magical about those crisp, early mornings: the sound of leaves crunching underfoot, the hum of leaf blowers, and the delightful taste of iced pumpkin spice lattes (PSLs, for those not in the know). It’s the official kickoff of fall—the season of cozy hoodies, pumpkin brews, and football games. It’s also the season when I can finally relax about not having to shave my legs constantly! But, let’s be real: there are aspects of fall that I absolutely dread. The shorter days lead to darker mornings and nights, and with that comes a wave of melancholy. The chill in the air can sometimes feel like a heavy blanket of sadness, leaving me with thoughts that are far from cheerful.

Understanding Seasonal Affective Disorder

Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) is a well-known form of depression that tends to strike during the winter months when sunlight is scarce. It shares similar symptoms with other types of depression—feelings of emptiness, hopelessness, fatigue, and a lack of enthusiasm for activities that once brought joy. The term SAD might make it seem less severe than other forms of depression, but don’t let that fool you: it can be just as overwhelming.

There’s no specific day when SAD makes its entrance for me. One moment everything feels fine, and the next, it’s as if a cloud has settled over me. My body feels heavier, my energy dips, and I find myself wandering through days in a daze. I’m not exactly sad, but I’m definitely not okay. I want to stay in my pajamas, cocooned in oversized sweats and blankets. I crave hibernation, a chance to just hide away from the world.

Fall’s Mixed Emotions

Fall used to be a season filled with excitement for me—costumes, candy, and the magic of Christmas. I remember the joy of Christmas toys, the thrill of winter break, and family dinners overflowing with delicious food. But as the brisk Canadian air rolls in, I find myself retreating and isolating more. And the holidays? They come with a wave of anxiety—fake smiles and forced conversations, endless gatherings, and the pressure to put on a happy face when inside, I’m struggling to keep it together.

I want to enjoy pumpkin picking with my little one and our annual visit to Santa’s Workshop, but I find it hard to be present. I feel the weight of my emotions, and it’s a challenge to keep from breaking down. So, I pull back from socializing. I cancel plans, start projects I’ll never finish, and dodge any conversations about my feelings. I become a pro at avoiding small talk, letting calls go unanswered, and declining any invitation to hang out. Because, truth be told, what I’m dealing with feels sad and pathetic. I’m stuck in a cycle of worry and tears, contemplating dark thoughts.

Finding Comfort in Solitude

I draw the curtains, turn up the heat, and retreat into my comfort zone. I grab my favorite leopard-print robe, mismatched socks, and a black bandana, hiding away from the world. My seasonal depression feels just as real as my year-round battles, but this one is predictable. I can sense it creeping in like a chill in the air, knowing it will arrive sometime between September and October. You’d think being aware would help, but it doesn’t. I find myself just waiting—waiting for the days to stretch longer and the nights to feel shorter. I’m waiting, like Annie says, for the sun to “come out tomorrow.” Just waiting for this phase to pass.

Resources for Support

For those navigating similar feelings, resources like Johns Hopkins Fertility Center can be invaluable. And if you’re looking for more insights on home insemination, check out this post that dives into related topics. Don’t forget to explore Make a Mom for helpful fertility supplements.

Conclusion

In summary, fall is a beautiful season, but it also brings challenges for many. If you find yourself feeling down during this time, know that you’re not alone and there are resources to help you through it.