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Should You Conduct a Performance Review with Your Partner?
Sometimes, it feels like my partner and I are running a small business together. We each have our own roles and responsibilities, not to mention a budget to manage. Our discussions often revolve around our “business” plan: you handle this task, I’ll take care of that one. We check in frequently: let’s clear up that issue by next week, we need to increase our budget, or can I take a personal day? We do a pretty good job managing the logistics of our household.
However, our relationship often takes a backseat to the daily demands of work and parenting. Despite our efforts to reconnect through date nights and alone time, sometimes we feel more like colleagues than a couple. But what if we tried something different and conducted regular “relationship performance reviews,” as suggested by a writer for a well-known newspaper?
This idea involves couples checking in with each other regularly to discuss their feelings about the relationship. A growing number of marriage therapists recommend these evaluations because many couples wait too long to seek help. By regularly assessing their relationship, partners can pinpoint issues before they escalate into bigger problems.
A study highlighted the benefits of this approach, where married couples completed questionnaires to evaluate the strengths and weaknesses of their relationships. Half of the couples received therapy “checkups,” while the others did not. Over time, those who participated in the checkups reported greater satisfaction, intimacy, and acceptance from their partner, along with reduced feelings of depression. Interestingly, those with the most significant issues saw the most improvement after the checkups.
I tend to have a somewhat pessimistic view of relationships, believing they will either work out or they won’t. However, I can see how taking time to express what’s working and what’s not could be really helpful. If you’re bottling up frustration about chores, intimacy, or communication, those feelings can fester and cause resentment. Addressing them early on might prevent them from becoming permanent issues.
In fact, one of the benefits of therapy can be recognizing when change isn’t happening. If you’ve asked your partner for more respect or help with chores and nothing changes, those regular check-ins could signal when it’s time to reevaluate the relationship.
So, perhaps our date nights will now also include a little “State of the Union” discussion. I’ll share what’s going well and what isn’t, and he can do the same. After all, if we let ourselves drift into being just coworkers, we might just find ourselves going out of business.
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In summary, holding regular performance reviews in your relationship can foster better communication and address issues before they become major problems, allowing you to reconnect and strengthen your partnership.