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7 Things You Should Avoid Saying to a Stepchild
Every morning as I prepare to face the world outside, I can’t help but recall moments at the store that have left me feeling frustrated. It’s not my kids acting up or running out of my favorite brand of bread crumbs that gets to me, but rather the well-meaning but nosy strangers who throw judgment disguised as “innocent questions.” As soon as I introduce my oldest as my stepdaughter, I can almost see their minds shift. They go from admiring my lovely family to questioning my role as a parent because I’m not her biological mother. That’s when the inquisitive older ladies start directing questions at my stepdaughter, as if trying to ensure she’s not being mistreated while her sisters and I lounge around all day.
It’s baffling how asking inappropriate questions has become a norm in casual conversations. Here are some things you should definitely avoid asking my stepdaughter or any stepchild:
- “When do you go home?”
This question may seem harmless, but it implies that our home isn’t truly hers. When she’s with her dad and me, she is just as much at home as when she’s with her mom. She is loved and cherished equally in both places. - “Do you like having two houses?”
While she might respond positively, deep down, she probably wishes her parents were together. A split home is never ideal, and she’s navigating a complex situation as best as she can. - “The divorce wasn’t your fault.”
These words often come from a good place, but they can inadvertently plant doubts. My stepdaughter never thought the divorce was her fault until someone suggested it wasn’t. Now, she might wonder if it could be anyone’s fault. - “Whose house do you like better?”
This question usually comes from family hoping for validation that they’re the “fun” side. But it’s unfair to put her in a position to choose. She loves both homes and has her preferences without needing to pick sides. - “Where is your real mom/dad?”
While it’s true that biologically she’s not my child, I am her parent by choice. If there’s a need for an adult, I’m just as qualified to answer questions about her as her biological parent. - “Don’t you wish you had a real sibling?”
Yes, her siblings might be half-sisters, but they’re her family. They love one another deeply, just like any siblings would, and the love is what truly matters. - “Don’t you get the rules confused?”
Sure, adapting to different house rules can be tricky, but we strive for consistency in routines. Don’t give her an excuse to misbehave; she’s learning to navigate both worlds.
These inquiries might seem harmless on the surface, but unless you’re in the shoes of a stepfamily, it’s hard to grasp how they affect the child. My goal is to protect my kids—biological or not. When you make my stepdaughter question her place in our family, you’re not just asking a casual question; you’re making her feel like she doesn’t belong. It’s crucial for children from split families to feel equally loved, and society should help reinforce that sense of belonging.
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In summary, being mindful of what you say around stepchildren can help them feel secure and loved in their families. Avoid questions that could make them feel torn or question their place within your family unit.