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Why I Make an Effort to Remain Friends with My Ex
It’s no secret that my marriage to Alex ended quite a while ago. We both recognized it, but he grew up with strong Irish Catholic values that emphasized the importance of staying together, no matter how unhappy it made both of us. My upbringing, however, was different. My mom divorced my dad when I was in middle school. At the time, I didn’t grasp all the reasons, but I could tell he wasn’t the best husband. So, when Mom announced her decision, it was a shock, yet not entirely surprising.
In my family, I witnessed the ups and downs of relationships—my aunt went through three divorces, while my uncle had seven marriages before finding the one that lasted until he passed away. These experiences taught me that sometimes, it takes multiple tries to find the right fit, or, in my mom’s case, one attempt was enough. She never sought to remarry or share her space again, and that was her choice.
When Alex and I finally got our lives organized enough to live apart and start the formal separation process, he was frustrated. He couldn’t understand why I’d ever entered into the marriage if I planned to leave. But honestly, when I committed, I had no intention of it ending. I believe most people don’t. However, witnessing how our conflicts impacted our son made it clear that we needed to stop the cycle. It wasn’t just about us anymore; it was about our child’s future and how he would view relationships. I certainly didn’t want him to think of marriage as a prison sentence.
The journey of separating was, as you might expect, a bit bumpy. We only wanted to take with us what we had brought into the marriage, even after 11 years together. And then there’s our amazing son—a lively elementary schooler who initially thought having two homes was exciting, not realizing it meant an apartment without a yard or a big basement. He didn’t fully understand why we split, and we kept it simple, explaining that we both believed this was best for our family. One day, he’ll grasp the complexities of it all.
I consciously strive to avoid speaking negatively about Alex, whether around our son or on social media. My frustrations are mine to share with a few close friends when I need to vent. Navigating co-parenting is definitely a challenge—teachers send home two copies of weekly updates, we split costs for prescriptions and field trips, and decisions require mutual agreement. But once we realized that we would be communicating daily about our son, we both eased into it a bit more.
At the end of the day, it’s all about him. This incredible boy, who took so much effort to bring into our lives through in-vitro fertilization, is the best thing we ever made together. I joke that it was the best $15,000 I ever spent, but it truly is a miracle. He’s spirited, full of energy, and a wonderful reader—traits from both of us. I find myself marveling at the little things, like the way he runs around the playground with such enthusiasm.
Thanks to our son, Alex and I cooperate. Every day is focused on figuring out how to provide the best for him. We avoid criticizing each other around him and respect each other’s space. We keep each other updated without overstepping boundaries, and while we don’t always get it right, we’re committed to making it work for him. We tuck him in every night, each in our own homes, ensuring he feels loved and cared for. While we can’t give him the traditional setup of two parents living together, we can offer him love, guidance, friendship, and a sense of stability.
There are moments when the friendship we once had shines through. We still exchange emails about television shows or current events. But sometimes, too much sharing can feel intrusive, so we have to recalibrate our relationship.
In court, the judge complimented us on our composure and the mutual respect we demonstrated in reaching a fair agreement focused on our child’s best interests. When we left the courtroom, I broke down, overwhelmed by the situation, and Alex comforted me, reminding me it would be OK. I was grateful that we could still share moments like that, as friends who once cared deeply for each other. He later told me he wouldn’t fully process it all until later, and sure enough, he found his peace too.
At the end of the day, what’s most important are those little moments—his knobby knees, sandy hair, and infectious laugh. Our son is the best part of both of us. And even though we’ve changed, what once connected us created this wonderful child. So, we’ll keep working through our differences, striving to be fair and flexible for our miracle.
He truly is the greatest gift we could have ever hoped for, and for that, there are absolutely no regrets. If you’re curious about the process of home insemination, there are great resources available like this one that can provide more insights.
Summary
This article reflects on the challenges and rewards of co-parenting post-divorce, emphasizing the importance of maintaining a positive relationship for the sake of their child. The author shares personal anecdotes about their journey, highlighting mutual respect, love for their son, and the ongoing effort to navigate a new dynamic as friends.