By: Jessica Morgan
Updated: Feb. 28, 2020
Originally Published: Nov. 27, 2015
Yesterday was just another typical day. I woke up, took a shower, got ready, and went to gather the kids. My partner, Alex, did the same, then ventured out to walk the dogs. We loaded the kids into the car and dropped them off at daycare, then spent the day working. After picking up the kids, we returned home.
Once inside, Alex took our toddler down to see the puppies because as soon as we got home, our little one started his adorable chant: “Puppy! Puppy! Puppy!” Meanwhile, I took off the baby’s jacket, hung it along with mine in the closet, and put my shoes away (I promise, this detail is important!). I then changed clothes with the baby and returned to clear off the kitchen table. Once I was done, I took the baby to play in the living room.
That’s when it happened. Alex came back upstairs with our toddler, took off his jacket and sneakers, and plopped them on the kitchen table. He then set our child down to play while he went to grab himself a snack (yes, you read that right—he was thinking of himself, not our toddler!). At that moment, I asked, “Could you please put Haden’s jacket and shoes in the closet?”
As soon as the words left my mouth, I had a revelation about our life together. “Could you please help me out and… put away the kid’s jacket?… get the baby a bottle?… rinse your plate?… put your shoes away?… take out the trash?… fold your laundry?” Suddenly, it hit me: those were the wrong words. He wasn’t helping me; he was being an adult and my partner. So, I said out loud, “Actually, can you just do it? It’s not about helping me; it’s just putting your child’s things away.” He didn’t reply, but he did put everything away.
From that moment forward, I decided to stop asking Alex for help unless it was a genuine favor, like rescuing me from a gigantic spider that had clearly come from the underworld. Here’s why:
1. It Undervalues Him
Alex is an adult and a fully capable individual. He shouldn’t be seen as my helper or someone who needs direction from me to contribute. He has his own value and can recognize what needs to be done without me asking.
2. It Shifts Responsibility
I don’t want to shoulder the entire burden of managing our household and caring for our kids. It’s not my sole responsibility. I want to share the load equally, not take on the burden of saying “help me out.”
3. It Sets a Poor Example
I don’t want our kids to think that taking out the trash or putting the toilet seat down is some grand favor. I want them to understand that contributing to the household is part of being a partner and should be done without expecting praise.
4. It Undermines Our Partnership
Alex is my equal, and we may approach things differently, but our goal is to create a happy, healthy family. I don’t want to boss him around or make him feel like his role is to assist me. His role is to be a father and my partner, and occasionally to exterminate creepy-crawlies.
So, next time Alex leaves his laundry in the dryer for days, instead of asking him to “help me out” by folding it, I’ll just tell him to move his stuff so I can wash the kids’ clothes.
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In summary, I’ve realized that I no longer need to ask my partner for help; instead, we should work together as equals to manage our household and care for our children, setting the right example for our kids along the way.