Why Did My Marriage Survive When It Almost Didn’t?

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It was our tenth anniversary, and in a moment of frustration, I casually tossed a gift at my husband. That was six years ago, and here we are, still together.

I firmly believe in the concept of divorce; after all, one person can only hold a marriage together for so long. Despite the tough times, the stress, and the occasional annoyance, I’ve been married to the same man for over 16 years.

Offering marital advice can be tricky. Every couple has unique circumstances that influence their relationship, making it hard to generalize. However, there are a few truths I’ve learned along the way:

1. At some point, your partner will drive you absolutely crazy. You might feel pure disgust, even if it’s just for a fleeting moment. It’s all part of the journey.
2. The worries you have early on will likely persist, even as your situation improves. I spent our early years stressing about money, and although we’re financially stable now, I still find myself anxious about whether the debit card will work.
3. Change is inevitable. Life experiences will shape you; that’s the whole point of growing together.
4. Your partner will also evolve. It’s a natural part of being human.
5. Even if you do everything together, you’ll still change in different ways. You’re two distinct individuals with your own backgrounds and perspectives, so a sunset will look different to each of you.

So, how have we made it through the rough patches? First and foremost, my husband is a genuinely good person, which definitely helps. We balance each other out well; he’s steady and responsible, qualities I came to appreciate long after we said “I do.”

During our worst times, we practiced restraint with our words. Even during heated moments, I’ve always been mindful of how my words might affect our future. Sometimes, I wish he would show a bit more emotion, but his calm demeanor has ultimately been a blessing.

I once interviewed several couples’ counselors for an article, and it made me realize that despite my perception of our marriage, we’re actually doing pretty well. The signs of a troubled relationship they mentioned, like rolling your eyes at your partner, are behaviors I can’t imagine ever directing at my husband.

Then there was A Very Bad Year.

Our ten-year anniversary fell smack in the middle of that challenging time. There were moments I seriously considered leaving. During a family trip to Costa Rica, I vividly recall staring out the car window, repeating to myself, “I want to leave.”

I was not easy to be around. My husband struggled to finish projects, like a bathroom remodel and his master’s degree, which drove me up the wall. His inaction felt like a dismissal of my feelings. Then I discovered I was pregnant, which added another layer of complexity. I experienced daily nausea and felt utterly trapped, unable to work or even enjoy life.

After our second child was born, my mental health took a nosedive, despite treatment. I hardly remember that period. But about 15 months into my resentment, my husband decided to make some changes. When I later asked him why, I saw the sincerity in his eyes. He didn’t want our marriage to be a miserable existence.

We’ve faced other bumps along the way, such as his inability to stick to a grocery budget, but we’ve learned to navigate these challenges together. The key to a lasting marriage? Keep moving forward and avoid making rash decisions. Focus on the good qualities that attracted you to your partner in the first place.

Should you stay together? That’s a tough call. If both of you are willing to invest the effort, it’s worth it. But if you’re both exhausted from trying, maybe it’s time to consider other options. Just make sure you’ve given it your all before walking away.

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Summary:

Marriage can be challenging, and while it’s normal to experience tough times, it’s essential to work through them together. Open communication, recognizing each other’s strengths, and a willingness to adapt are crucial to making a marriage thrive. Whether you choose to persevere or part ways, ensure you’ve given your relationship the best chance possible.