A Playful List of Things That Won’t Help Your Baby Sleep

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When you find yourself with a little one who just can’t seem to master the art of snoozing, well-meaning friends and family will shower you with their “expert” baby sleep advice. While you’d much prefer they offer to babysit during those delightful hours of 3 to 10 a.m., you might feel compelled to try every suggestion they throw your way. After months of this, you might find yourself wanting to unleash some Dr. Seuss-inspired exclamations at the next person who tries to help: “No! She won’t sleep in a box, she won’t sleep with a fox, she won’t sleep in a house, she won’t sleep with a mouse, she just won’t sleep, not even a bit!”

Instead of more advice, here’s a light-hearted list of things that definitely will not get your baby to sleep through the night—because, let’s face it, I’m too tired to keep going.

• Swaddling
• Not swaddling
• Pacifiers
• Rocking to sleep
• Not rocking to sleep
• Dream feeds
• Skipping the dream feed
• Drowsy but awake (also known as, “I’m drowsy, but if you dare put me down, I’ll unleash a symphony of wails!”)
• A soothing bath
• An unexpectedly chaotic bath thanks to an older sibling’s antics
• Room sharing
• Bed sharing
• Cry it out
• Bed sharing after cry it out fails
• Lavender room spray
• Accidentally spilling lavender oil everywhere, turning your house into a fragrant chaos
• Singing lullabies
• Acceptable background noise
• White noise
• Absolute silence
• Neighbors with noisy car doors
• Nursing to sleep
• Not nursing to sleep
• Cry it out, round two
• Any book or website ever written on sleep
• Homeopathic teething tablets
• Letting baby nap whenever
• A strict two-nap routine
• Skipping naps
• Naps in the car
• Naps in the stroller
• Naps in the crib
• Holding baby until your arm feels like it’s going to fall off
• A thorough bedtime routine
• Going to bed on time
• Going to bed early
• Going to bed late
• Waking up early
• Sleeping in late (just kidding, that’s a fantasy)
• Magical sleep dust from a local co-op
• Cotton pajamas
• Fleece pajamas
• Sleep sacks
• Warm blankets
• Light blankets
• No blankets
• A new crib mattress
• Mercury in retrograde
• Rushing into the room at the first whimper
• Waiting a few minutes to see if baby settles
• Night-weaning
• Cry it out for a third time
• Not returning the thrown pacifier
• Bringing back the pacifier an hour later
• Bargaining with fate
• Trying to reason with the baby
• Offering cash directly

If you manage to focus your sleep-deprived eyes long enough to read any sleep articles, you’ll notice a recurring theme: time. In every success story, the baby gets older and eventually sleeps through the night. Yours will too, and soon you’ll find yourself in a special club of parents who say, “Enjoy it! It all goes by so fast!” to other tired moms in the grocery store. Until that day comes, hang in there. Your baby will sleep one day. A mom can dream, right? Or at least daydream.

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Summary:

This humorous list highlights various methods that are unlikely to help your baby sleep through the night, capturing the frustrations and challenges of parenting. It reminds parents that, in time, their little ones will eventually learn to sleep.