A Non-Exhaustive List of Things That Won’t Help Your Baby Sleep

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When you’re navigating the sleepless nights with a little one who seems to have mastered the art of avoiding sleep, you’ll find that friends and family are all too eager to share their unsolicited sleep tips. While you might wish they’d offer to babysit instead, especially during those delightful hours between 3 and 10 a.m., you’ll likely try each and every suggestion. As the sleepless months drag on, you might feel the urge to unleash a Dr. Seuss-inspired rant at the next person who offers a tip: “No! He won’t sleep in a box, he won’t sleep with a fox, he won’t sleep in a house, he won’t sleep with a mouse; he just will not, for the love of all that is good, sleep!”

So here’s a non-exhaustive list of things that definitely won’t help your baby sleep through the night—because honestly, I’m too tired to add more.

• Swaddling
• Not swaddling
• Pacifiers
• Rocking to sleep
• Not rocking to sleep
• Dream feeds
• Skipping the dream feed
• Drowsy but awake (otherwise known as, “I’m drowsy, but if you dare put me down, I’ll scream like a banshee for the next hour.”)
• A soothing bath
• An unsatisfying bath where an older sibling decides to give baby an impromptu shower
• Room sharing
• Bed sharing
• Cry it out
• Bed sharing after crying it out
• Lavender room spray
• Accidentally spilling a bottle of lavender essential oil, which makes your house smell like a fancy French bordello for a week
• Singing lullabies before bed
• A reasonable level of background noise
• White noise
• Perfect silence
• Neighbors slamming car doors
• Nursing to sleep
• Not nursing to sleep
• Cry it out again
• Any book or article ever written on the subject
• Homeopathic teething tablets
• Letting baby nap on demand
• Sticking to a rigid naptime schedule
• Skipping naps
• Car naps
• Stroller naps
• Crib naps
• Holding baby until your arm goes numb
• A detailed bedtime routine
• Turning in on time
• Going to bed early
• Going to bed late
• Waking up early
• Sleeping in late (not that this will ever happen)
• Fairy sleep dust made from ground unicorn horn purchased in bulk
• Cotton pajamas
• Fleece pajamas
• Sleep sacks
• Warm blankets
• Light blankets
• No blankets at all
• A new crib mattress
• Mercury being in retrograde
• Rushing in at the first whimper before baby escalates
• Waiting a few minutes to see if baby will settle down
• Night-weaning
• Cry it out one last time
• Not retrieving the pacifier after it has been hurled across the room
• Returning the pacifier an hour later
• Bargaining with the universe
• Attempting to reason with a baby through logic
• Offering straight cash to the child

If you can muster the energy to read any articles on getting babies (or let’s be honest, toddlers) to sleep through the night, you’ll notice a recurring theme: time. In every success story, the baby eventually ages and starts sleeping through the night. Yours will too, and you’ll soon find yourself joining the ranks of a secret society of mothers who feel entitled to say things like, “Enjoy it! It all goes by so fast!” to other weary moms in the grocery store line. Until that blissful day arrives, keep pushing through. Your little one will sleep eventually. A mom can dream, right? Well, daydream.

For more on this topic, check out this blog post on intracervicalinsemination.com/blog. If you’re interested in home insemination, makeamom.com is a great resource, as is progyny.com which offers valuable insights into pregnancy and insemination.