A long time ago, before I discovered the joys of daily aches and the loss of my skin’s youthful bounce, I had a rather naive view of hemorrhoids. I imagined them as the epitome of awful—something so horrid that I would be utterly mortified if I ever had the misfortune to experience them. I figured they were just for the elderly, those struggling with weight issues, or the kind of folks who buy bargain toilet paper and have questionable hygiene habits.
Then I got pregnant.
Ask any expectant mother, and they’ll confirm that hemorrhoids are just part of the pregnancy package. It’s logical, really. Carrying an extra forty to sixty pounds? Hello, hemorrhoids. The pressure from a growing uterus? Yup, that’s a pregnancy hemorrhoid right there. And let’s not forget the struggle of childbirth, where after an hour of intense effort, you end up with a tiny, hard nugget that feels like a rock—definitely a recipe for hemorrhoids.
But that’s not all; new moms can also experience hemorrhoids postpartum due to the strain of giving birth. Yay! Anyway, like many women, my first real encounter with hemorrhoids came during pregnancy, and they’ve been a regular feature of my life ever since. Did you know there are two types? The “external” hemorrhoids are the ones we all know—bulging, itchy, and sometimes painfully revolting. They send you rushing for your hemorrhoid cushion.
Then there are “internal” hemorrhoids—less visible but equally troublesome. They don’t look as bad, but they come with the delightful perk of causing bright red bleeding that leads you down a rabbit hole of panic:
- Is it my period?
- Out of my what?
- No.
- Definitely not my period.
- Oh no, it’s coming from my backside.
- Oh my gosh, I’m bleeding!
- This can only mean…
- Could it be…
- Butthole cancer?
Just as you’re about to inform your family of your impending doom, you remember that trusty old friend, WebMD. You type in your symptoms, and—surprise!—it’s “hemorrhoids” again. And just like that, life goes on.
At this point in my life, I’ve accepted that hemorrhoids are here to stay. They might not flare up often, and they may not be as severe as before, but there will always be a next time. My perspective has shifted from viewing them as an affliction of the old and unfit to simply a part of my quirky reality. Now I think:
- Ugh.
- Not this again.
- Why did I eat that spicy food?
- That chicken curry wasn’t mild at all!
- It was definitely more of a zesty “medium.”
- Ouch.
- Is this toilet paper or sandpaper?
- Where’s the Tucks?
- Just about got it…
- Ahhh!
- HONEY? WHERE’S THE CUSHION?
- What do you mean “what cushion?”
- THE HEMORRHOID CUSHION!
- Is he serious?
So, here we are. Hemorrhoids have become an unwelcome yet familiar part of my life. An itchy, uncomfortable, and slightly flappy companion? Yes. But they are here, and I must learn to coexist. Welcome, hemorrhoids. Settle in; you’ve found a cozy spot in my life.
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Summary
Hemorrhoids are a common issue that many people, especially women during and after pregnancy, encounter. They can be uncomfortable, and the experience often leads to a humorous realization of their inevitability. Accepting hemorrhoids as part of life can help ease the embarrassment and discomfort they bring, allowing for a more lighthearted approach to this all-too-familiar problem.