I’m Still Not Finished Discussing Miscarriage, and Here’s Why

Last month, I shared my experiences following three miscarriages in a span of six months. While many responses were kind and supportive, a significant number—especially on social media—missed the mark entirely. Typically, I steer clear of engaging with comments, but sometimes it’s hard to resist the urge to respond. So, let’s dive a bit deeper into the topic of miscarriage, the online discourse surrounding it, and how we can truly support women during these challenging times.

Unsolicited Medical Advice

First off, let’s be clear: You’re not a physician. There’s a trend of well-meaning folks offering unsolicited medical advice online, particularly about sensitive topics like miscarriage. Some commenters suggested that my struggles were due to not allowing my body enough rest, while others insisted that fertility treatments were unnecessary since I could conceive. One person even proposed that I likely have lupus! Unless you’re a reproductive endocrinologist with access to my medical history, please refrain from diagnosing me. I appreciate your good intentions, but sharing your personal experiences is far more constructive than attempting to label someone else’s situation.

The Right to Grieve

Secondly, having had an abortion does not negate your right to grieve a miscarriage. In one comment thread, a woman went off on a pro-life rant, claiming that her friend shouldn’t mourn a miscarriage because of a past abortion. Let’s get real—it’s 2023. Abortion is a legal option, and women choose it for countless reasons that are not up for public debate. I made that decision years ago, and while it was one of the toughest choices I’ve faced, it does not diminish my right to grieve the losses I’ve experienced. And to the commenter who asserted that having a D&C was denying God a chance to work miracles—let’s just say, that’s not helpful.

Grief is Personal

Grief is a personal journey, and it’s all relative. Some commentators felt it was inconsiderate for me to grieve, suggesting I should feel fortunate just to get pregnant at all or that there are “worse things” happening in the world. Sure, I know there are greater tragedies out there, but that doesn’t invalidate my feelings. Grief is not a competition; it’s a deeply personal process. So, spare me the #FirstWorldProblems critique, okay?

Respecting Emotions

And lastly, you don’t get to dictate how someone else feels. A few women suggested that I shouldn’t feel shame about my miscarriages, questioning how I could even feel that way. But grief is often illogical, and anyone navigating the emotional turbulence of miscarriage (or any loss) has every right to their feelings.

Takeaway

So, here’s the takeaway: If you know someone who has suffered a miscarriage, the best thing you can do is listen and validate their emotions. Avoid the urge to “fix” things, and keep your judgments to yourself. These guidelines can be applied to any personal situation you encounter online or in real life.

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In conclusion, let’s continue the conversation around miscarriage with understanding and compassion.