What I Want to Share with My Son About Marriage and Conflict

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My parents have what many would call a picture-perfect marriage. This August marks their 32nd anniversary, and they still exchange those sweet glances, sneak kisses in public, and hold hands like teenagers.

During my 18 years at home, I can only recall a handful of arguments between them—maybe five, if I’m being generous. This is quite remarkable when you think about it. I attribute this to two key factors: first, my parents are both easygoing individuals who steer clear of unnecessary conflicts, and second, they made a concerted effort to keep their disagreements private or wait until we kids were fast asleep.

On one hand, this created a wonderfully peaceful environment for me to grow up in, providing a lovely model of marital bliss. I genuinely admire their approach to conflict resolution. On the flip side, however, it left me with unrealistic expectations about how to handle disagreements in my own marriage.

Because I rarely witnessed any conflict, I was blindsided by the reality that married couples often have their share of disagreements. The few times I did catch my parents in a spat were quite distressing for me, leading me to believe that arguments signaled a serious problem—like the threat of divorce. It took me some time as a newlywed to realize that my marriage wasn’t flawed simply because we had more disagreements than my parents did. I had been conditioned to expect perfection.

My marriage is quite different from theirs. My husband, Jake, and I are two passionate, strong-willed individuals who sometimes want to have it our way. While these traits can lead to incredible teamwork when we’re aligned, they can also spark intense debates.

But you know what? Disagreements are a normal part of marriage. They just are. We get annoyed, take a breather, sort things out, say sorry, and move on. I want my son to understand that while we should shield him from inappropriate conflict, it’s essential for him to know that disagreements happen—and they can be resolved with love and understanding.

We’re continually working on this, but I believe it’s crucial to model respectful disagreements within earshot of our child. This means keeping our voices calm and our words neutral; if we can’t manage that, we put the discussion on hold until later. Often, waiting to hash things out can provide time for clarity and resolution.

Looking back, I wish I had known that conflicts can occur in marriage while still nurturing love and happiness. Life doesn’t need to be flawless to be genuinely fulfilling.

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In summary, it’s important to teach our children that disagreements in marriage are normal and can be handled respectfully. My hope is that my son will grow up with a realistic understanding of love and conflict in relationships.