5 Stages of Discovering Your Child Might Be a Jerk

When your phone buzzes late at night, it’s best to avoid looking at it. Spoiler alert: it’s probably not good news.

“I hate to do this via email, but I couldn’t bring myself to call,” a mom wrote to me and a few other parents. “My son came home upset about an incident at school. I spoke to Mrs. Johnson, and she witnessed the whole thing. I felt it was necessary to reach out.”

That’s when my heart began to race. This mom was about to tell me that my child had been a total jerk.

As I read on, she described some serious mean kid antics—exclusion, name-calling, and outright bullying. My child was involved, though thankfully not as the instigator. Still, her inaction was equally concerning.

“I know my son can be sensitive and a handful sometimes, but the kids will be in school together for years to come. I hope we can work together to improve their relationship. I’ve told him to apologize for what he said, and I want to ensure he follows through.”

I had to give her credit; she handled it with grace. No blame-shifting, no insults. She presented the facts and genuinely seemed to care about the well-being of all the kids involved.

But as I lay awake that night, I was on a whirlwind of emotions. We all say we want to hear when our kids mess up, but when it happens—especially from another parent—it’s hard to feel anything but dread. I realized I was much happier before that message arrived.

In the following hours, I went through the five stages of finding out my child was being a total jerk. Here’s how it unfolded:

Denial

No way my sweet kid could do that. This mom must have confused him with another boy in his class.

Anger

I can’t believe this! How could he pick on someone else? I brought him into this world, and I can take him out!

Bargaining

Surely there’s been a misunderstanding. Maybe the other boy lied, or the teacher got it wrong.

Depression

Why? Why did my child have to be the jerk? What did I do wrong? This must be a side effect of all that video gaming!

Acceptance

Okay, what’s the plan for this kid? Time to dish out some consequences and make it hurt.

The next morning at breakfast, I approached my son about the “incident.” I barely got a few words out before he started tearing up.

“Mom, I didn’t know what to do! It started as a joke, but then he said something to Jake, and then Alex jumped in, and it turned into this huge yelling match,” he explained.

I was skeptical, but his version mostly matched up with what the other mom described. I felt relieved he wasn’t the main perpetrator but disappointed he hadn’t stepped in either.

“What do you think we should do now?” I asked.

“Mrs. Johnson made us write apology letters for homework. Here’s mine.” He sheepishly handed me a crumpled piece of paper.

“Do you think that’s enough?” I asked, trying to sound serious.

“Not really. I told him I was sorry after school, but maybe I should do something nice for him too,” he said, his gaze dropping.

“Good idea! How about we both do something nice, like treat him to ice cream with the money you’ll earn from chores this weekend?” I mentally high-fived myself for getting him to clean his room and score a treat in the process.

“Okay, Mom, I get it. I really am sorry,” he said.

And you know what? I believed him. I felt a tiny bit proud that he owned up to it right away.

We all claim we want to know if our kids are misbehaving, but it can be tough when the reality hits. This was a minor incident, but it serves as a lesson for when my child messes up again, and trust me, he will. Next time, maybe I’ll skip the anger and get to acceptance a bit quicker.

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Summary

Discovering your child might be less than perfect can be an emotional journey, involving stages of denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and ultimately acceptance. It’s a process that many parents face, and while it can be tough to handle, it also offers an opportunity for growth and learning.