20 Things More Risky Than Raw Cookie Dough

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If I had to express my adoration for raw cookie dough, it would be to the melody of REO Speedwagon’s “Keep on Loving You.” Seriously, listen closely to those lyrics and tell me that’s not exactly how I feel! I love indulging in raw cookie dough, despite the media’s warnings about potential sickness or even death from it. Sure, raw eggs carry the risk of salmonella or E. coli, but have you ever considered the risks of eating at your favorite restaurant or enjoying a salad from a farm where sick chickens might have frolicked?

I’m so over everything being labeled as “dangerous.” Oh, 21st century, you’ve already stripped away so many of the joys from my childhood—like riding in the back of the car without a seatbelt, playing outside barefoot until the streetlights flicker on, and let’s not even get started on Pluto’s demotion! But you will not take away my beloved raw cookie dough!

At this rate, our children will be living in plastic bubbles, bouncing around the city like hamsters in giant balls. Let’s be real, there are far more perilous activities than licking cookie dough off the beaters, such as:

1. Racing down the stairs in socks—might as well be tiny surfboards navigating a flight of stairs to the ER.
2. Using safety scissors. They can still inflict harm!
3. Opening a tube of Pillsbury dough. The stress alone could lead to a heart attack.
4. Clowns. Ever read a little tale called, It?
5. The 2020 presidential candidates. No explanation needed, just look around!
6. Clambering into the bathtub—and not slipping on the slick edge, leading to a face-first dive.
7. Exiting the bathtub—and not slipping again, resulting in a visit to the orthopedic doctor.
8. Stepping on tiny plastic animals. You might live, but it’ll feel like a near-death experience.
9. Toasting marshmallows over a campfire. Fire + darkness + sharp sticks + molten marshmallows = a recipe for disaster.
10. Roller skating. Shoes on wheels? What could possibly go wrong?
11. Not letting hot cocoa cool down first. You could end up needing a skin graft for your tongue.
12. Touching your pet’s food and skipping handwashing.
13. Touching your pet.
14. Jumping on the bed. It’s all fun until Mom or Dad joins in and sends little Timmy crashing into the dresser.
15. Eating a lollipop while running on the playground. Just wait till that lollipop gets lodged in a throat!
16. Riding a bike in sandals, or barefoot. Pavement is the sandpaper of roads.
17. Bunk beds. One elevated bed plus three toddlers equals a physics lesson gone wrong.
18. Giant trampolines—quickest way to knock out teeth with your own knees.
19. Walking around with blankets or buckets over their heads. What could possibly go wrong?
20. Drinking water from that plastic kiddie pool filled with hose water on a sweltering day.

Do you know how many people safely enjoy cookie dough without a hitch? I’d wager that opening a tube of Pillsbury Poppin’ Fresh dough leads to more eye injuries or mental setbacks than raw cookie dough does to stomach issues.

So here’s the deal, cookie dough: I don’t care what the so-called “experts” claim. You are far more than just a potential source of salmonella to me and my little ones. In two decades, you’ll spot my kids because they’ll be the ones licking the batter and rolling down Colorado Boulevard in their hamster balls. We’re going to keep on loving you, cookie dough—it’s the only thing we want to do (well, that and maybe bounce on a trampoline in a giant hamster ball).

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In summary, while the dangers of raw cookie dough are exaggerated, there are plenty of everyday activities that pose far greater risks. Let’s embrace the joys of life, cookie dough included!