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Dear Neighbor,
It’s me again! Can you believe it’s already been eight months since we became neighbors? I’m a bit disappointed we haven’t had the chance to get to know each other better. Every time I swing by, you seem to be out, so I thought I’d reach out with this slightly chaotic note. I feel like I owe you some explanations, and I’d love to know if you might be up for a drink or some cake (I always have cake!).
I was really upset to learn that you never got to enjoy the blueberry muffins I baked for you. I now understand why you looked puzzled when I called out from the car, wishing you’d enjoyed my little surprise. It turns out, my kids took matters into their own hands! They claimed they left the container on your porch, but apparently, they couldn’t resist the temptation and kept sneaking muffins throughout the day. It was a bit odd that neither of them came in for lunch, but when the kids decide to play outside all day, you don’t question it! I’m sorry you only got to see the one muffin with a bite taken out of it. I’ll make sure to bring a fresh batch this weekend.
It’s a bit unfortunate that our interactions often coincide with some amusing chaos! Like last week with our pets—who knew my dog could dig under our fences? When I heard your cat screeching (who knew they could make that kind of noise?), I raced down to check on him. I thought I had my dog under control, but apparently, he had other ideas! I’m really sorry about that.
Speaking of my dog, he’s also the reason you caught me in quite the state of undress. He got into the trash, and let’s just say it resulted in a very messy day for both of us. I spent all night letting him out, and when morning came, I was a walking zombie. I dashed outside to take him out when he started scratching at the door, and to my horror, my towel slipped. Just as I was setting him down, he… well, you can guess the rest. So, when you stepped onto your balcony, there I was, barefoot in the grass, yelling “Oh my God, please stop!” It probably looked like I was performing some strange ritual! Thanks for ushering your kids back inside so quickly.
Now, I must apologize for scaring your son. My kids discovered my secret hiding spot in the closet, so I’ve been spending some time in the unfinished house next door—my little sanctuary with a chair, a lamp, and some “good chocolate.” I didn’t realize you’d be bringing friends over that evening who were interested in the house. I was so engrossed in my magazine that I didn’t hear you approach, which is why I shouted “I have a gun!” when your son and his friend startled me. I feel terrible for making him cry—I promise, I don’t own a gun! I truly hope they consider moving here; having neighbors with kids would be wonderful.
My husband mentioned I may have given the wrong impression in my last note about our alcohol collection. If you don’t drink (though I can’t imagine why not, haha), I can whip up a fantastic mocktail or serve lemonade or water instead.
I genuinely want to get to know you better and show you that we’re just a regular family hoping to find some close friends to BBQ or play Pictionary with. I’ll keep my dog in his kennel, and I assure you, my boys have learned that their screams can be heard! Just the other morning, my son was yelling that he was “dying in there” because he couldn’t find his iPad. In reality, he just needed to use the bathroom! Kids, am I right?
I hope to hear from you soon! Feel free to drop by any time. If I’m not around, you might want to check the house next door!
Warm regards,
Your Neighbor
P.S. For more tips on home insemination, check out this article.