Finding Myself Again as My Kids Enter Their Tween Years

We’ve officially stepped into the tween territory at our home. Right now, as I type this, my eldest is off cycling with his pals, my daughter is celebrating at a birthday bash, and my youngest is in the basement having a blast with his drone. I haven’t been interrupted for hours! So, in some ways, parenting has become more manageable, but it’s also presented its own challenges.

Every parent knows that motherhood comes in stages, but there’s something about this new tween phase that took me by surprise. While it’s fantastic not to be needed every second, it can honestly feel a bit isolating. Once your kids reach the point where they can whip up their own sandwiches and venture out solo, that’s exactly what they do. Their independence flourishes, which is beautiful and exactly how it should be.

Suddenly, I’m not just checking their backpacks for old snacks and missing permission slips—I’m now monitoring their cell phone history. This is when you finally grasp that annoying cliché you’ve been rolling your eyes at for years: “The days are long, but the years are short.”

You start to feel an unfamiliar sensation. What you expected to be relief often manifests as a void. There’s a whole other side of parenting that isn’t talked about nearly as much as the excitement of pregnancy, sleepless nights, or those early years.

Reconnecting with Myself

So how do we reconnect with ourselves when our kids start to gain independence? Surprisingly, no one really shares that wisdom. Advice during the tween years doesn’t flow as freely as it does for the newborns and toddlers. Perhaps that’s because we’re all still figuring it out.

We become so familiar with our identity as mothers that it’s easy to forget the other facets of who we are. When I first sensed this void, my instinct was to consider having another baby, but I soon realized I craved something different—not another child just to fill a gap. I have other parts of myself waiting to be explored, and that’s perfectly okay. It took me a while to feel comfortable with that realization.

Strategies to Tackle the Unexpected Emptiness

Here are a few strategies that helped me tackle the unexpected emptiness that came with my kids’ independence:

Releasing the Guilt

When the kids are at a friend’s house or playing outside without me, I relish the quiet, but initially, I felt guilty for enjoying it so much. After endless chaotic days, it felt strange to savor a few hours of peace. Why shouldn’t I indulge in some HGTV or a good book? I used to yearn for these moments, and gradually, the guilt faded.

Allowing Myself Time

Last fall, I found myself in bed, confiding in my partner about how lost I felt. Suddenly, my kids seemed so much older—navigating friendships, discussing crushes, and wanting less of my company. I had to give myself permission to acclimate and stumble through this new phase. I know it will keep evolving, and that’s just part of life.

Nurturing My Soul

Women need to nourish their spirits. Whether it’s daydreaming, reading, meditating, or spending quality time with friends, we need those moments. With older kids, there’s a bit more freedom since I no longer worry about them wreaking havoc in the kitchen. At first, this newfound time felt strange, but I grew to appreciate it.

Trying New Hobbies

I’m now embracing activities I lacked the courage to pursue before becoming a mom. How can I encourage my kids to try new things if I’m not willing to do the same? I’ve taken up running—something I once admired from afar. It’s challenging, and I haven’t always loved it, but it’s a personal goal I wanted to achieve. My kids cheer me on at races, and it brings me joy, helping to fill that nostalgic void I sometimes feel when reminiscing about their younger days.

One day, my children will fly the nest. They won’t be darting through the kitchen for snacks, nor will they need me to check their homework or drive them to practice. They will always be my priority, but as they grow more independent, a space will form in my heart—one that will be filled with new ways to enjoy our time together and embrace my own interests. It may take time to adjust, but that’s perfectly fine.

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Summary

As my kids transition into their tween years, I’m rediscovering myself amidst their independence. This stage brings a mix of relief and loneliness, requiring me to let go of guilt, allow time for adjustment, nurture my soul, and explore new hobbies. Embracing this change can fill the void left by their growing autonomy, allowing me to enjoy both my identity as a mother and as an individual.