The Toughest Inquiry: Navigating the Question of How Many Children You Have

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Trigger warning: this essay includes a description of the death of a child.

“How many kids do you have?”

For a parent who has experienced the loss of a child, this seemingly straightforward question—much like inquiring about someone’s job or hometown—can send shivers down the spine and leave one at a loss for words.

Should I share the truth? Do I really want to explain to a stranger that while I have two wonderful children with me, I lost my third child, Ava, when she was just three weeks old? Should I say three, or play it safe and say two?

Let me clarify, I’m not suggesting you avoid this question altogether. Three years after losing my daughter, Ava, I’ve come to accept that I will encounter this inquiry repeatedly, and yes, it will always sting. It’s like pouring salt on an open wound or receiving a gut punch. But it’s nobody’s fault, and I harbor no anger about it.

I’m just deeply sad.

This question isn’t going away, just as my grief isn’t. Ava’s passing shattered my world, and even though I strive to move forward and find joy in my daily life, beneath this façade lies a fragile heart, forever aching.

So when you ask me how many children I have, that’s why I might look momentarily blank and hesitate before replying. You might think I’m uncomfortable, but in that brief moment, a tug-of-war occurs within me—a struggle between providing an answer that keeps the conversation flowing without eliciting pity and sharing the truth. It’s a conflict between what feels easier for you and what feels like a betrayal to Ava’s memory.

This isn’t just about strangers; it’s also about the indescribable pain that arises each time I fill out a form asking about the number of my children. It lingers in my conversations when discussing parenting joys and challenges with others. It rears its head when seeking a babysitter for my two children.

Every time I write or say “two” instead of “three,” my heart breaks just a little more. But no matter how painful it is, the reality remains that I am raising two daughters instead of three. No magic can turn back time and return my other child to me.

Do I take comfort in knowing Ava’s twin sister, Mia, is growing and thriving? Yes. But I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t hard to look at her sometimes and see the physical reminder of what could have been.

I wish I could articulate my feelings better when asked how many children I have. Yet, after three and a half years, I still haven’t found the right way to respond. I understand there’s no perfect answer, but I just wish it weren’t this complicated.

I wish none of this had happened.

I wish I had three daughters to snuggle with on the couch, to shower with kisses, to read bedtime stories to.

I wish I didn’t have a child’s urn displayed on my mantel.

I wish I didn’t have Ava’s death certificate tucked away in the filing cabinet.

I wish I didn’t have a memorial garden in my yard, adorned with flowers and bushes planted in her memory.

I wish hearing the name Ava or the word “twin” didn’t stab at my heart like a knife.

I wish for many things, but ultimately, I know I must continue to live and love my husband and two earthly daughters as best I can.

If there is a reason behind Ava’s passing, perhaps it’s to help others who share this painful experience. We might not have all the answers, but we are trying.

Trying to survive. Trying to find happiness. Trying to navigate this complex journey.

So, please be kind and patient with grieving parents who face the toughest question. Your understanding is the most compassionate response in the face of unimaginable heartache.

For more insights on navigating complex topics like this, check out this excellent resource on pregnancy and home insemination. And if you’re looking for essential kits, this site provides great options for home insemination. You can also find valuable information in one of our other blog posts, which you can read here.

Summary

The article reflects on the painful question of how many children a grieving parent has, exploring the internal struggle between honesty and social comfort. The author shares their experience of losing a child and the ongoing grief that accompanies their parenting journey. They highlight the importance of empathy and understanding toward grieving parents while acknowledging their own challenges in navigating conversations about loss.