As a stay-at-home dad with the daily experience of discovering my son’s crusty boogers in my own hair, it’s hard to maintain any delusions of grandeur. The fact that he treats me like a human napkin does wonders for my humility. While I’d like to think that I, as the adult, could uphold some dignity, every booger discovery chips away at my self-esteem. Could it be that my 9-month-old has mastered life better than I have? Let’s dive into the evidence:
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Zero Judgement Zone
He doesn’t bat an eye when I smell like a gym locker. I can toot, greet him with morning breath that could knock out a horse, or cuddle him in my unwashed, two-day-old clothes, and all I get in return is a smile. Yet, when it’s diaper change time, I act like I’m handling something toxic, cursing his natural odors while completely overlooking my own. -
Food Appreciation
Since my son arrived, the word “savor” has vanished from my vocabulary. I’ve resorted to eating like I’m in an eating contest. Meanwhile, my son cherishes every morsel, inspecting his food like a diamond expert. The other day, he spent half an hour gumming a banana cream waffle wheel, savoring the textures. My lunch? I inhaled it in seconds, competing with my own indigestion. -
Step-Climbing Champion
I joined a gym, so I’m working on my fitness, but let’s face it, he’s already a pro at scaling stairs with impressive speed. -
Free Entertainment
My dog used to love ice cubes, and it was budget-friendly. Now, my child demands countless baby “essentials,” but his favorite things are often free—like silly faces, the wind, and random kitchen gadgets. While I splurge on expensive tech that will soon join the garage sale pile, my son finds joy in the simplest things. -
Instant Gratification
While I yearn for a puppy (RIP, old friend), my son has received an avalanche of toys without even asking. I got $100 for a new bike and bought a storage ottoman for all his playthings instead. Fair? Definitely. -
The Charm Factor
Let’s just say my son has all the women in his life wrapped around his tiny fingers. As the only grandchild, he’s adored by grandmas, aunts, and even church ladies who can’t resist showering him with affection. He’s the ultimate darling. -
Freedom from Inhibitions
He poops wherever he pleases, regardless of the audience. Recently, he sneezed visible boogers onto an esteemed church elder’s face and carried on as if nothing happened. If I did that, I’d be sprinting out in humiliation. -
Pooping Concerts
My little one has the unique ability to hold a perfect pitch while doing his business. His bowel movements come with a symphony of grunts and high notes. It’s a performance worth attending! -
Unconditional Love
He lights up at the sight of his mom and gets ecstatic whenever I pick him up. His love for our cats is a bit intense, but it’s pure. I wish I could emulate his uninhibited joy and affection, though I know my adult reservations hold me back. His love radiates every day, even if it causes nighttime tears from separation anxiety.
So, while my son has mastered the art of living fully, I remain a judgmental, unappreciative, and typical adult. Sometimes, I long for the world to reflect his innocence—minus the poop, of course.
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