Summer is here, and for countless families, that means it’s time for a beach getaway. Unfortunately, taking little ones to the beach can feel less like a vacation and more like enduring an uncomfortable dental procedure while also getting a bikini wax.
Last year, I reached my tipping point and thought, “This is ridiculous!” but the chaos continued unabated. So, this time around, I decided to put my psychology background to use by crafting a beach experience that embraces what I like to call “Parasite Parenting.” But what does that mean? It’s all about weaving your kids into another family’s fun, while you kick back and relax. Here’s how to pull it off:
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Choose a spot near a prominent landmark (think lifeguard stand, a “Danger” sign, or one of those enormous sun tents that could easily serve as a temporary home in the off-season). Make sure to point these out to your kids so they can easily find their way back when the host family inevitably departs. Trust me, they will when they realize what’s happening.
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Settle down next to a family that is engrossed in digging a hole—whether they’re tunneling to China or preparing for a dramatic sand burial, it’s the perfect distraction. Just ensure it’s the dad and his kids doing the digging, as dads tend to get fixated on making the hole bigger and deeper. This obsession is a phenomenon I’ve dubbed “vagina-envy-but-with-a-hole.”
Watch out, though! If the other family catches on to your cunning scheme, they might shut your child out, claiming they want to spend “quality time” with their own kids. But really, they’re just feeling outsmarted. To avoid this, you need to put in a little effort—don’t worry, you can manage this between sips of your favorite cocktail and pages of that steamy novel you’ve been meaning to finish.
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Every half-hour or so, stroll over to your child, apply some sunscreen, and casually suggest, “Sweetie, why not come back to our blanket for a quick math refresher or enjoy some yummy edamame?”
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Don’t forget to wave at the other parents at least once, shrug dramatically, and silently communicate “she loves you!” with your expression. Follow this up with a look that screams “Yikes, my bad!”
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Leave a trail of snacks—crackers, juice boxes, shovels, and buckets—at the hole’s edge. This will entice your kids to settle in for an extended stay. As you saunter back to your chair, compliment the dad with something like, “Awesome job! I’ll be over here checking Guinnessworldrecords.com for the deepest sand hole. Internet’s been slow today, what’s up with that?”
If you follow these steps, you’ll find yourself with plenty of time to read, play cards, sunbathe, or even refine your mixology skills—without much interruption. Enjoy your beach day!
For more insights, check out our related post on home insemination kits. And if you’re looking for excellent information about pregnancy, visit the CDC.
Summary:
This article provides a humorous take on how to enjoy a beach day with kids through “Parasite Parenting,” which involves leveraging other families’ activities to keep your children entertained while you relax. Key strategies include choosing the right spot, distracting your kids with sand digging, and maintaining a casual parental presence.