“Why fit in when you’re born to stand out?” – Dr. Seuss
My family is unique. My children are Asian, while my husband and I are white. Most folks will (correctly) assume our kids are adopted.
Standing out often brings about curiosity, stares, and sometimes comments or questions that can be intrusive or even offensive. I try to remind myself that most people don’t mean to put me in an awkward position with their inquiries while we’re in line at the grocery store.
I strive to respond with grace and patience, letting the ridiculousness roll off my back (sometimes with an exaggerated sigh). But there are moments when I’m hit with questions that leave me dumbfounded. For example:
- ‘What happened to their REAL parents?’
I hate to be a buzzkill, but the proper term is “birth parents.” And to answer your question: Not your business. Seriously, every time someone uses the word “real” my kids ask me if I’m their “real” mom. It’s a conversation we have at home, but it’s frustrating when it’s triggered by someone who doesn’t know us. - ‘Your child is so lucky/you’re a saint/bless you for rescuing that poor orphan.’
I’m not a saint or a superhero. My child isn’t a charity case or a project to save; my husband and I simply wanted to be parents. - ‘Can’t you have your own children?’
Great! Nothing like a stranger probing into your reproductive abilities to start the day off right. - ‘Why did you adopt from X instead of Y?’
Why did you choose a child from China rather than domestically? There are countless reasons why people adopt from different places. Unless you’re considering adoption and genuinely seeking advice, it’s best to leave this question alone. - Any insinuation that adoption is ‘the easy way’ to have kids.
No, I didn’t experience morning sickness or labor pains, but do you know my story? No? Then maybe think twice before jumping to conclusions about the ease of adoption. - ‘I could NEVER.’
It’s great that you’re so certain about how you’d handle someone else’s child without having walked in those shoes. Just saying. - ‘How much did it cost?’
Asking about adoption expenses is as intrusive as inquiring about someone’s debt. If this question is on the tip of your tongue, pause and reconsider. You probably don’t have a good reason for asking. - ‘Do you think they’ll grow up to be communists?’
Um, really? Our kids are U.S. citizens now. While I do wonder about the adults they’ll become, their political beliefs aren’t currently a concern for me.
Curiosity can be a good thing, but knowing when and what to ask is crucial. If you wouldn’t approach a mother of a notably large baby and ask, “Wow, how long did it take to push that out?” then reconsider how you approach families that may stand out for various reasons.
In short: Don’t be rude. Nobody likes rudeness.
For more insightful discussions, check out this blog post about the intricacies of family planning and adoption at intracervicalinsemination.com. Also, if you’re interested in learning more about home insemination, Make a Mom is an authority on the topic, and Healthline provides excellent resources for pregnancy and home insemination.
Summary:
Adoptive parents often face intrusive questions about their family dynamics. From misconceptions about “real” parents to assumptions about the adoption process being easy or a charitable act, these queries can be quite frustrating. It’s essential to approach conversations about adoption with sensitivity and awareness, remembering that every family’s story is unique.